Posted by rskontos on February 14, 2008, at 14:00:07
Well a giant leap of faith was taken today by yours truly today.
I gave my t my journal to read.I just decided in the shower after another flashback to do it.
He changed my xanax from as needed to nightly since it helps me sleep through the night. I was awakening in the middle of the night and then, before going back to sleep, I would have flashbacks. I noticed one night when H was out of night, if I took it prior to going to bed I slept all through the night and no flashbacks. He said do this all the night for right now. I, of course, said I am worried about becoming addicted. He said I am not. You haven't the personality type. So, I am doing that and it is working. So, instead of having them at night I have them during the day. The shower is a favorite place.Anyway, I just decided to do it. I told him prior to handing it over my worst fear. The reason I never had before considered letting anyone read my journal. We discussed it. He said it was huge for me to let him have it--a huge leap of faith. I told him I still don't trust him; this is a test. I said I could leave tomorrow never come back--I would seal myself up and be ok. Because I can still dissociate and I can make myself feel nothing. I can do that with anyone. I still don't need you. He said I understand that. I said to need you is a whole different ball of wax. To let you into my private world of feeling of needing you in any capacity I first need to let you have this and see what happens. Then I have to decided if it will be ok. He said I understand. So we will see. I am ok with it. It will be whatever it will be. I guess a part of me is numb right now in order to do this. I feel nothing; however, a small part feels like it will be ok, but the rest says just wait and see he is like all the rest. He will do harm eventually. But I must try something to get past the wall and I decided this was maybe a way to do it. I might get burned, I might get hurt. I have though survived worst. I did this, at near the end of the session. So we did not talk about it. We talked about childhood stuff, not good stuff and other flashbacks, but I had the wall up, so it was alright. He thinks one day the wall can be destroyed but for now it must stay. (He did not say this exactly this my paraphrasing)
I would say for me this is one of the best sessions. I put myself way out there. I will see what happens.
rsk
poster:rskontos
thread:812708
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080210/msgs/812708.html