Posted by Racer on October 18, 2007, at 16:51:34
In reply to Makes sense...., posted by DAisym on October 18, 2007, at 13:12:01
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> So the next question is, "is this something to work on changing?" Or do we accept it as who we are.I think we work on learning how much of it is native to our temperaments, and how much is in reaction to our history. From there, we decide whether we want to work on it, or accept it.
>It certainly doesn't feel "socially" acceptable to not want a hug - and sometimes I DO want a hug. *sigh*As for that, I do sometimes endure "social" hugging, but for the most part I will say no. Loudly, if necessary. Not long ago, someone was coming at me for a hug, and I was saying, "NO!" while others who knew me were also yelling, "NO! Don't touch her!" (This was not someone I knew, I doubt she even knew my name. THAT sort of hug I find particularly creepy.)
There are people I can tolerate touch from, and hugs from -- and even forms of touch I am usually comfortable with. I love having my hair brushed, or even just having my hair stroked. (Although, if anyone here meets me in real life, that only applies to people I already know well enough to be touched by.) Sometimes being touched casually on the forearm sends me into HeebeeJeebeeVille. In other circumstances, having someone pet me between the shoulderblades is fine. It's not about how intimate the area being touched is, nor how well I know the person. In fact, I was touched recently by a heterosexual single man, from behind, and found it was not just OK, but good. From him. Any other man, not necessarily excepting my husband, it would have made me nauseous, as well as sending me into a panic. And I know a few women I can hug fairly easily.
But as for what other people think, I usually make it into a part of my "it's only because I'm insane" persona. I use that to explain certain things that other people think are weird -- "Oh, that? It's only because I'm, you know, insane." It usually works as desired -- it's a joke, so it makes people laugh, WHILE ALSO SHUTTING THEM UP!
I watched my mother recently at a social event, and finally asked her, in a whisper, "Mom, are you uncomfortable with these people hugging you?" She admitted that she was, with most of them. She never hugs me, either. So, I come by it naturally. She also said that one particular man she enjoyed hugging, that he was just a very comfortable person to be hugged by. So, she's got the same sort of "huh, I wonder what it is?" thing where some people can hug her, and others can't.
Another thing I notice about myself, is that I can be the offerer of a hug, but if someone comes to hug me, it's a lot harder. I think it is about control.
I know that my native state is wanting touch, because of the cats. I love it so much when the cats come for a cuddle, so I know that I want to be cuddled. And with my ex, cuddling was good. So, it's finding the comfort zone, I think, rather than an all or nothing thing. Finding what level of touch is OK.
poster:Racer
thread:789878
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071009/msgs/789989.html