Posted by Dinah on October 4, 2007, at 9:55:47
In reply to Re: Why people goto have sex atall? » JoniS, posted by muffled on October 2, 2007, at 21:50:26
Have you looked into alternatives? Things that wouldn't feel as invasive to you, but that would bring fulfillment to your husband?
My therapist (although not my sex therapist) totally validated that solution. While the sex therapist concentrated on getting me to enjoy sex, my regular therapist gave me permission to not enjoy it. But to find ways to be loving and giving to my husband (I almost typed therapist - freudian, huh?) without doing things that I don't care for.
I kind of categorized all sex acts into four categories. Ones I don't want to do, ones I will do but reluctantly (actual intercourse is in that one), things I'll do willingly but that don't really turn me on, and things that might be sort of fun. Sort of like a four square grid, with the left side being stuff I don't mind doing, the right side being stuff I do mind doing. Then top and bottom is how much. My therapist thought the stuff in the left hand column sounded pretty good and fulfilling in itself, and that stuff in the "I'll do it but not willingly" column could be reserved as special gifts to my husband. Occasional things.
The good part is that my husband actually comes out better. Because we only rarely did the "I'll do it but not willingly" stuff anyway. And the fear of things turning to that kept me away from sexual behavior altogether.
So if you can think of all sorts of sexual activities, and be creative here, perhaps you can find some that aren't so bad, when removed from the threat of other stuff, and that you can willingly offer to your husband.
Just a few thoughts (and read no further if you're squeamish about sex):
Watching erotic materials or reading from erotic materials varying in intensity
Taking a nice soapy shower together - one that ends in the shower with release for your husband perhaps, but without invasion
Watching him pleasure himself
Letting him watch you pleasure yourself
Kissing
Petting
Bringing him to orgasm with your hand
Oral sex (in both directions)
Penetration
I'm trying to put these in no particular order, because what's acceptable to me may not be acceptable to you.It's made a huuuge difference to my husband and me. He never liked hurting me anyway, he gets the opportunity to enjoy himself more often. I don't feel so guilty or ashamed. It's never worse than mildly tedious. And sometimes (but not always) it's even an enjoyable way of sharing intimacy. It can be nice giving pleasure to those you love if you're not scared of being hurt or invaded.
poster:Dinah
thread:785464
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070929/msgs/786830.html