Posted by Racer on August 19, 2007, at 2:19:26
I had a mostly great day today. I went shopping with someone who has my vote for the most enjoyable person to spend the day shopping with. I'm only sorry we didn't have more time to talk, because I enjoy her company tremendously.
But, in general lately, I'm feeling as though I don't have anyplace i can turn for support. My best friend has something going on in her life that is a sore spot for me, and I don't want to dampen her joy. I want to be able to celebrate for her, but I can't, because it's a reminder of yet another failure in my life.
I've finally given up trying to have a baby. My husband's reaction has been a resounding silence -- and when I confronted him about it, he said, "Well, you're already crying after fifteen seconds! I can't talk to you about it!" No thought at all of, I don't know, comforting me? I have always wanted children, and gee -- kinda feels like I'll never get any of the things that are most important to me, you know? For that matter, my husband has no interest in sex, and he won't cuddle with me, either. Since my cat died in February, I've been without any physical comfort. We have a new kitten, but he doesn't cuddle yet. I hope he will, as he matures. Meanwhile, I'm lying on the sofa pressing back against the back of it, trying to pretend it's like being held.
And then my therapist forgets my appointment right before leaving for vacation.
And I'm hideously fat, and can't seem to get any of it off me. I'm not moving at all, and I keep eating far more than I'm comfortable with. I'm not a recovered anorexic -- I've just failed in being thin. I can't even do that right. I don't feel as though I have anyplace to discuss that, either, because too many people just don't understand that.
And lately, I haven't felt welcome posting on these boards. I suspect it's largely a matter of perspective, with a little bit of board changes thrown in -- there are a lot of new people, who probably don't know me, so don't know what to say. Or maybe it does have something to do with the whole deputy thing.
I don't know what I am looking for by typing all this. I think I was just feeling pretty wretched, and feeling as though there's no place to express it without getting slapped back. So, maybe this doesn't need any response. Maybe it's enough just to say it.
I don't know.
poster:Racer
thread:777049
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070807/msgs/777049.html