Posted by DAisym on August 15, 2007, at 1:24:10
In reply to Re: ***** Long, tedious and triggery ***** » DAisym, posted by Tamar on August 14, 2007, at 5:39:13
Yeah, although I often worry that my love is dangerous or contaminated.
****Which is probably why you need to talk about it so that you can see that loving your therapist will not hurt him or contaminate him. And loving someone shouldn't give them power to hurt you either. So it is good practice to love in therapy.
> But when the love binds us to someone or something that consistently causes us pain, then I think we have to ask ourselves if this is how God intended love to be spent.
That’s an interesting idea. I don’t know why, but I feel an inclination to react against the idea that God intends me to do anything. I don’t trust God at all. But I take your point.
*****I'm really mad at God. I want to know where he was -- but that is another discussion. However, the past 6 months I've been really practicing mindfulness and visualizing working with the energy in the Universe. And things are happening that both delight and scare me. I'm about the least likely person to "believe" in this kind of stuff and here it is, working for me. Who knew? As far as God's intentions, I don't think he micro-manages. But I want to think that love was not created to be used as a weapon or to feel like a burden - like flowers or children - I think these things exist to remind us of how really beautiful the world can be. I believe in my heart that the ability to love is a gift. I never knew I could before therapy and this relationship I've been allowed to have.
> > And I'll ask a question based on historical knowlege of your journey -- are you asking him to be something he isn't? Didn't he not do this kind of therapy and you talked him into it? You were in therapy with him before and didn't go deep. What made you think it would be different this time?
Ah, it wasn’t quite like that. I did short term therapy with him originally, then didn’t see him for a year, then went back to him. It was his decision to use a more psychodynamic approach this time; I didn’t even realise he was doing things differently for a while. But even so, I think you may be right that I am expecting him to be something he isn’t. It’s just that I don’t know whether he realises he isn’t the thing he’s expecting to be either. If that makes sense.
*****Makes sense to me. But was he more reliable the first go round? Have you talked about his approach?
> My final, and harsh question is: what are you getting by remaining locked into this battle of wanting relationship discussions from him? What are you able to avoid talking about?
Again, it doesn’t feel quite like that. I don’t feel locked in a battle of wanting relationship discussions. In fact, we usually only have relationship discussions after he has let me down. But he lets me down so regularly that relationship discussions have become a frequent feature of our work. And when I think about it, I hardly ever start the relationship discussions (I’m too scared). He usually takes the discussion there by asking me something about how I feel about therapy. For example, I started a recent session by talking about a book I’d been reading about therapists’ mistakes, and I was telling my therapist how angry I felt about one chapter. My therapist responded by defending the author and then asked me if I thought he rejected the things I offer him. I pointed out that I haven’t ever offered him anything (I try to avoid his boundaries) and he said he meant the material I bring to therapy: my issues. And then it became a relationship discussion. And then I try to tell him something I feel sensitive about and he runs away.
***So - what is the name of the book? :) And -- are you supposed to avoid his boundaries? (understand that I work hard to do this too, I'm just asking the questions...) And when he runs away, can you say, "did you change the topic on purpose? Or - Is there something here making YOU uncomfortable?"
To be honest, the thing I most want to avoid talking about is the relationship. I managed to do it last week. We had a really fun session with lots of laughter, some good work on my maladaptive coping mechanisms, and not a relationship issue in sight. I prefer it like that.
****Me too. But my therapist says that the relationship issues ARE my therapy - I need to learn how to cope with all the feelings, positive and negative, that are stirred up by our relationship. And I need to learn that a relationships aren't nearly as fragile as I imagine them to be. Nor do I have as much power as I think I have to destroy them. I hear him say all this but I know how hard it is for you (and me) to believe it.
But if the subject of the relationship comes up I feel unequipped to handle it and unable to tell it like it is. Also I really wish I could talk to him about the bizarre images and thoughts I have about him (like imagining him beating me and assaulting me) because I think talking about it would make it less powerful. But I just can’t get the words out.
*****It often comes down to courage, doesn't it? I'm very concerned that one of the things you find almost inevitable is that suicide will happen and it is likely to be because you were rejected by your therapist. This feels extreme and it also tells me how urgent it is that you talk with him about these bizarre images and thoughts. If he gets uncomfortable, he will handle his own feelings. And you might get yours hurt but you will learn that the relationship will survive all that. It won't be pretty and it is likely to be painful, but it will be real. And I imagine it will be better than this with all the holding back you are doing. Therapy has become almost retraumatizing and that just isn't good. If you can't get the words out, write it down and take it in. Insist that he listen.
It’s all too hard. I just want to give up on everything.
***Me too. All the time. But we can't. I think you know what you want to do but you are afraid of the outcome and just can't do it. I totally understand that but really, could it be worse than this? There are other stories here of people who loved their therapist, and worked with them for years and years, and then had to leave the relationship as the relationship had become pathological. It happens sometimes. That doesn't mean the good stuff isn't good. It means the rotten stuff is just too much and it is making you sick. Nobody needs that.
Thanks for your thoughts about this. I’ll keep thinking about what you’ve said.
***I hope this is helpful. I never want to encourage someone to leave their therapist, I know how important the relationship can be. But I also don't want to see you getting hurt so much and so often. So if nothing fits, ignore it all and just take in the caring stuff. Because I do care about you.
:) Daisy
poster:DAisym
thread:775888
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070807/msgs/776349.html