Posted by Happyflower on June 21, 2007, at 17:25:35
In reply to Re: letter to 'mother'...***TRIGGER*** » Happyflower, posted by B2chica on June 21, 2007, at 14:29:18
> infact i question even more now...why her 'love' for me was so conditional???
> why did she always see me as 'bad'?
> i LOVE my DD no matter what. even when she becomes older and 'hates' me...i will love her even MORE!! and will tell her that!I know in my instance, and this has been discussed in therapy A LOT, was that my mom seems to be jelous of me. So she had to devalue me to make her self feel good. My son once thought I didn't love him because I was angry with him, and I told him I love him even if I am angry with him at the moment. This is a good thing to tell a child because you WILL get angry at them.
> i just dont understand...i could NEVER, NOT show her how much i love her. i cant imagine NOT hugging her and telling her EVERY Freaking day how much i love her! ....d@mn, what i would have done for one freaking hug from my mom...one soothing word...one sign of affection. well, i could give a cr@p less now...I didn't have hugs or any affection from her what so ever. Now my dad did hug me a few times and he did tell me a couple of time that he loved me.
> i think having this child will heal me more than all the therapy in the world. it gives me the chance to (in a way) undo what my 'mother' did by making sure i do things (or dont) with my DD.
I think it also gives up hope for the future, like we can create a family that we never had, even if we are in different roles. I think it gives us something to live for, something to strive for, and something to feel proud about too.
> i think what is hard for me is when people that dont know say "we learn to mother from our mothers.." or something equally distressing. i feel trapped, like no matter how hard i work im destined to repeat my mothers actions. :(
> it takes me a while to realize again that i dont HAVE to repeat that cycle....or i tell myself that i will imitate...my MIL...
> -she is the epitome of motherhood and patience. i thank God she is in my life! (and my DD)Oh, I hate that saying even if there is some truth to it. But it doesn't have to be that way, if you intenionally try to change it. But like my T says it takes awareness, and education on how to change it and a willingness to stop the cycle. Doing it right is A LOT of work, but so worth it down the line. My T says it is better to do it right at the beginning then to try to change them when they are teenagers and think we are full of it anyways.
He had to testify in court one time about whether this women who was intellectially retarded, if she was able to mother a child properly. He said that she had a horrible role model for her, and he didn't believe she would be able to change the cycle because it takes a huge amount of re-educating herself, and because of her IQ, he didn't think it would likely happen. But he told me that if she had good role models growing up, she would probably mother like she was mothered. BUt in this case, she was mothered very poorly. He said it was a very difficult case because he could see that she loved her kid, but she already had shown she wasn't doing a very good job. It was so sad for him, but he believes he did the right thing. I think a grandmother on the child's dad's side adopted the child.
>
> and YES. my DD makes me stronger...100x. see, i still cant seem to stand up for myself...but i SURE can for her.That is awesome B2! She is luckey to have a great mom like you!
>
> from one learning mom to another...thank you, thank you for understanding.Thanks!
Happyflower
poster:Happyflower
thread:764491
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070612/msgs/764792.html