Posted by Honore on May 29, 2007, at 17:51:00
In reply to Wanting to issolate my miserable self * trigger*, posted by Happyflower on May 29, 2007, at 11:36:27
I'm feeling that way today. Sometimes it feels like it's always there, but I just keep it out of mind-- and then if something happens-- like my work doesn't go well for a while, or I get really disappointed about something, it gets so much stronger and just takes over. It's like looking at a really depressing black screen, a movie where nothing's happening, but shadows moving across the blackness.
I really wish I could feel as if there was something worthwhile, but I really don't.
Blocks or fears-- or inhibitions-- seem so pointless, so unnecessary, if only I had learned some other way, or not had my temperament-- if I hadn't given in to or become so weighed down with the idea that I was somehow not worthwhile. People get through the day. They can do something that feel useful, they have friends, or places to go, even drugs that they can resort to. So many people seem not to live without any release from this relentless sense of struggle for nothing. Sometimes it's like fighting to get out of a paper bag-- which I never have and which is so completely absurd, despite taking tons of energy.
There are always ways out-- better ways to live or efforts that you can make-- but the things that are frightening or upsetting don't make sense-- they just set off feelings that I can't control, or overcome.
What makes it worse, is that it's just some part of fate, almost arbitrary, like going into a path, and following it and getting lost-- but taking that path was really not necessary, or even meaningful, it was sort of casual, or unthinking. And whatever caused this complete reclusiveness seems somehow absolute, but so capricious. I mean, there are lots of people who don't feel that way, and who just go through life doing things-- even if they aren't so easy-- but still they take them for granted. I really don't understand why I took the path I did-- but it seems like I'm so far down it, that I can't really make it into some different way of being.
Honore
poster:Honore
thread:760169
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070525/msgs/760234.html