Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 11, 2007, at 17:20:47
In reply to Re: update » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by jammerlich on May 11, 2007, at 13:14:14
okay- now it's friday and she still hasn't given me back the other 60% of my diss to make changes. She promised me by Wed.
What does this mean?
It means that I won't have time to work on it over the weekend.
That means weekend only means dead emptiness and dread. full of what-ifs.
I made emergency call to T. she said I need to try to find as much distance right now between diss and the rest of my life. I am in turmoil. swirl of emotions. I am royally pissed off that she didn't email me back about when I can expect changes. I'm mad at myself because once upon a time I used to be able to handle last-minute deadlines with panache. now I just go crazy.
T said I'm not going to make myself crazy this weekend. I can't I just can't (go crazy). the stakes are too high. I can be pissed. I can even be pissed at someone I generally have warm feelings for. I can be full of regrets. I blame myself-- what if I were a better writer, then maybe she wouldn't get stuck. but the truth is that she probably hasn't even read the f*cking thing.
How to stay safe. how to stay safe. I already took my bath, and my klonopin. peripheral muscles are relaxed, at least for the time being.
those who have my cell phone number are thwarted, as I left it at work accidentally.
I keep on checking my little email program to see if! if only I could have an email from her telling me that she's put the copy on her desk.
nothing.
I need to distract myself somehow. I wish that spiderman3 hadn't triggered me so badly (yes, I'm that messed up- that a poorly acted film can put me in a self-destructive trance). otherwise I'd go to a movie tonight. promising myself that if I don't feel better by 6pm I'm catching the bus to Borders and staying there til 10pm. I will order steamed milk and maybe play on babble. that doesn't sound too bad?
If I feel somewhat better by then I will try to read a book. I got a book called "the velocity of honey" it's for science nerds like me and talks about the strange physics of why honey does its thing and why toast always land butterside down.
such a swirl of thoughts. usually writing them down helps so here goes
anger
rage
self-hatred
regret
fear
terror
anxiety
worry
vengefulness
spitewhich brings me to an interesting dream I had last night. I dreamed that I was going to break into (another difficult prof's) house and do some major pranking. It was the middle of the night, and me and my best friend from highschool (always up for a good prank) broke into this house. so silently, for my pranks are undetectable... and we find the wife of the difficult prof staring at her face in the mirror, saying how her cancer had given her jaundice and her eyes looked so sad and tired.
And we felt remorse and regret. then we tried to return the prank supplies to the man's house down the street from whom we had stolen them. He was out and was mad. when we explained the nature of how this (not-my-advisor) prof had screwed me, he offered to put his gloves on (it was snowing) and help us out. We told him that the prank was off, and he was disappointed.
When we returned to the prof's house, the whole household was awake, and had invited us for warm apple cider, in the middle of the night, and seemed genuinely unconcerned that we had been planning to destroy their hallway. We slunk away, declining their warm tidings. and then I woke up.
hmm relevant. methinks. yes. very relevant.
my interpretation
1) my best friend is in touch with anger. I needed her anger to plot the prank.
2) the evil prof is probably my own prof, but I've conveniently substituted another prof that is also very difficult
3) the cancer is a ruse to make me feel guilty for having anger
4) the man down the street offering to help are those people who hear my story and wish ill omens on my advisor. sadly I tell them that they cannot participate in the mission. too late. too mean
5) the warm tidings of love and hot cider are a way of saying "we know what you're up to, and we're going to make you feel bad about it- so guilty that you'll wish you had died.that's enough for now.
-Ll
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:757598
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/757887.html