Posted by muffled on May 4, 2007, at 14:21:02
In reply to jealousy and meaninglessness, posted by gazo on May 4, 2007, at 10:58:58
> i have been feeling so low.. and no big surprise
**((Gazo))
> i feel like a bad person. i read about all the comfort and closeness everyone seems to get with their T's and i am jealous. My T is a very nice guy, very smart and all of that. i think he will do a good job with me as far as figuring out my garbage. But i don't think we'll be close like that.**I trust my T, she's great, but close? I dunno....
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> He asked me just once about whether i was safe. He has never called just to see if i was ok. He is a great guy but i just don't think he operates that way or something.**My T will not call unless I ask her. Lotsa times I've hinted...but no go. I have to be pretty plain about it...
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> i know too that i am not the sort of person people want to be close to. Online it's easier to be friendly.. IRL i try but i fail i guess. No one seems to want me. i have often thought that if i did die i wonder how long it would take before someone would even notice?**I don't want to be close to noone...scares me. But part of what I wanted to accomplish in T was to be better at talking to people IRL, and I AM. So this is the thing, other parents I think actually hang together some...but not me. But what I have come to realize is that I COULD hang with them, *I* could initiate going for coffee or whatever, and they would come at least some of the times. But I don't, cuz I don't want to. So I don't get called to do stuff w/others, but I now no longer beleive its because of a deficit on my part, its because I give off 'don't get too close' vibes, or body language or whatever. Most of the parents seem to be OK with me, some no doubt think I'm a bit rough, but others are OK. And nowadays I truly don't give a crap bout those that don't like me, cuz I know there's those who do accept me. So anyhow, its easier for me, cuz I got kids in elementary school, and so have the opportunity to interact after school, playdates, volunteering etc. I don't honestly know where I'd intereact otherwise. The school thing is easy and non threatening. I don't interact at church. So I dunno what I trying to say, other than I think maybe a person has to maybe reach out themselves, and be an initiator of stuff, rather than think others will come to them. There's nice people out there IRL. Maybe volunteering in something you have an interest in would help to find some friends. Cuz I just don't think its just you Gazo.
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> maybe he just doesn't want to be close with *me***T's need to keep a certain distance for the most part. Thats whazt boundaries are about. I LIKE boundaries, no, I LOVE boundaries. I used to hate them and chafe against them, but now I know that I need them to do T, they keep me safe, they keep my T safe too.
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> i listen to his voicemail over and over... evn though it's just about scheduling around his trip away. His voice soothes me. i'd love to have a message from him meant just to calm me down. But i won't ask.. i can't because i don't feel i matter to him. How could i? Even if i did eventually, right now we have only seen each other 6 times.***Aaaargh! I haven't phoned EITHER!!!! Yet...hmmmmm....
And didn't you drop a letter in the end?!?
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> But even so.. i don't think he'll ever care the way a lot of your T's seem to. They seem to think about you sometimes and wonder how you are... i think mine is a caring person.. and i don't think he sees me as just a payment... but i don't think that deeper closeness will ever be there. Partly because i just don't think he is like that, partly because i don't think he would ever want to care that much about me - i don't ever matter that much to anyone... does that make sense?**You matter. And its a two way street. And relationships are BUILT. Takes time. IRL and in T.(not two way street in T however, but the builing relationship thing...)
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> There might be some people who would feel bad if i died, or they might occasionally think about me... but there wouldn't be a hole in anyone's life where i used to be.**Sigh. I think there would be sadness. And there would be a hole in the WORLD w/o Gazo. What of the people you can help? What of the love you have inside to share with someone else who needs it? There would be a hole w/o Gazo.
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> i feel like a very bad person for feeling jealous. It's a precious thing you have and i want it. That is just plain wrong.**Its a bit of a double edged sword I think Gazo, these T relationships. Really, I am at the point where I just want to get the work done and over with and get on with my life as best as I am able. I guess I am lucky, cuz what I do is keep reviewing the progress i have made in T. Some things might not seem much to some, but its a big deal to me. And when you add it all up, I HAVE made progress. BIG progress.
I am trying to NOT be attached to T, cuz being attached hurts....
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> i know no one wants me, and i am not even that puzzled by it.. i am not that want-able.. even when i try hard. EVeryone remembers my name because i am splashy.. but no one remembers to call, or come see me or even to want me around. No one calls to see if i am ok, or even safe.**Oh Gazo you shush!!!! You ARE SO wantable!!! Its just you can't see it yet. You haven't found the right people. Noone calls me either. Not even my T. I don't care. Cuz I do know fortunately, that my T IS there....(specially when I listen to her messages!!!!!!ad nauseum!!!! LOL!)
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> i am nothing to anyone.**Well your something to me, within the limitations of the internet...and like I said, your something to the world. We all have something we can contribute, even if its just opening a door or smiling at someone. It all COUNTS. Lotsa times, mebbe most of the times, its all the cumulative little good things that make life good. Not just the big woweees.
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> and even though i wish i could grab that caring from you... i am glad you have it and that no one really can take it from you, not even me.**You don't have to grab someone elses, there is caring out there for you too. Somewhere. And as I have found, with T, I am being better able to see it, and find it, and mebbe even one day I can accept it towards me without fear and suspicion.....
Take care ((Gazo)) you special woozle.
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:755754
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070419/msgs/755804.html