Posted by gazo on May 4, 2007, at 10:58:58
i have been feeling so low.. and no big surprise considering my situation.. but something is wrong with me physically too which makes me really tired and that doesn't help. Lying around so much just makes me feel even lower.. sooner or later depression will set in if it hasn't begun already. i think it has.
i feel like a bad person. i read about all the comfort and closeness everyone seems to get with their T's and i am jealous. My T is a very nice guy, very smart and all of that. i think he will do a good job with me as far as figuring out my garbage. But i don't think we'll be close like that.
He asked me just once about whether i was safe. He has never called just to see if i was ok. He is a great guy but i just don't think he operates that way or something.
i know too that i am not the sort of person people want to be close to. Online it's easier to be friendly.. IRL i try but i fail i guess. No one seems to want me. i have often thought that if i did die i wonder how long it would take before someone would even notice?
maybe he just doesn't want to be close with *me*
i listen to his voicemail over and over... evn though it's just about scheduling around his trip away. His voice soothes me. i'd love to have a message from him meant just to calm me down. But i won't ask.. i can't because i don't feel i matter to him. How could i? Even if i did eventually, right now we have only seen each other 6 times.
But even so.. i don't think he'll ever care the way a lot of your T's seem to. They seem to think about you sometimes and wonder how you are... i think mine is a caring person.. and i don't think he sees me as just a payment... but i don't think that deeper closeness will ever be there. Partly because i just don't think he is like that, partly because i don't think he would ever want to care that much about me - i don't ever matter that much to anyone... does that make sense?
There might be some people who would feel bad if i died, or they might occasionally think about me... but there wouldn't be a hole in anyone's life where i used to be.
i feel like a very bad person for feeling jealous. It's a precious thing you have and i want it. That is just plain wrong.
i know no one wants me, and i am not even that puzzled by it.. i am not that want-able.. even when i try hard. EVeryone remembers my name because i am splashy.. but no one remembers to call, or come see me or even to want me around. No one calls to see if i am ok, or even safe.
i am nothing to anyone.
and even though i wish i could grab that caring from you... i am glad you have it and that no one really can take it from you, not even me.
poster:gazo
thread:755754
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070419/msgs/755754.html