Posted by antigua on April 18, 2007, at 11:52:04
In reply to Re: Daisy? Help! » antigua, posted by Daisym on April 16, 2007, at 0:03:44
I thought I sent you a congratulations post on your PhD, but I guess I forget to send. So
Congratulations!You said ****I think it is interesting that you say your therapist has been there for you but then you think you are shutting her out because you view her as your mother who wasn't there for you. So she doesn't matter. Is it possible that she is "better" than your own mom, whom you are trying to rebuild a relationship with? And if this is true, in some ways, is that hard to see over and over again? Just a thought...
I’m not sure what you mean here. My T has been a better mother to me than my own mother and that’s hard for me to deal with? That’s an interesting thought. I know I wouldn’t be who I am without either of my “mothers” and although my mother may have missed a lot, she sure showed me what bonding was—she had to have been wonderful when I was an infant or I wouldn’t be able to love or attach with my own children the way I have. My T says my father may have been the better caretaker, but my mother provided the emotional support, which was lacking after she had more babies after me. She seemed to do great with the babies, but we were pushed out of the nest, sometimes too early, when the next one came along.
*********I don't think any of us are ever really finished with therapy. I just think that since you've told your mom, you are opening up your feelings about her. You are no longer working so hard to keep a giant secret, so many of the feelings that were trapped behind the secret are coming out. And I get that your therapist would be a good target for some anger...
Maybe it’s covert anger, but I sure don’t feel it on the outside. She just doesn’t matter so much, which to me means I’m covering something up. She has been so important to my life, but now I just feel “blah” toward her.
***********As you've been around your mom, how has it felt? Is she more the mom you want her to be since you've told her? Or has it been, "gee, sorry, let's move on."
She is the same person. If I brought it up, she would probably be willing to talk about it, but I don’t bring it up. I feel closer to her, though, because the secret is no longer there. It’s just like my father—I’d rather skip over all the other steps to forgiveness, instead of going through what I need to go through.
*********I think I agree with your therapist. I desperately only want to be mad at my dad. But I'm furious with my mom. And right now it is so unfair for me to be mad at her, she is grieving and she needs me. But I just can't escape the truth. I am mad at her and so, so sad that she couldn't really see me when I really needed her. And yet, if I'm mad at her, then who do I have left? I I think you are in an even deeper place - you've told her, she accepted you and so to be mad at her right now might shake all that up. Hasn't our deepest fear always been that if our mom's find out, they will blame us? So now she knows, and she didn't blame you. So if you get mad at her, will she get mad back? Scary stuff.
I have gotten mad at my mother since I told her, and funny enough we worked it out. I spoke up, so did she and then she called me back to make things right. I was proud of her, and me for speaking up. Daisy, it’s not unfair of you to be mad at your mother when she needs you. You aren’t her caretaker. You’ve always said she was this super competent person, and you have to take care of yourself FIRST. I can see why this would make you so angry, though.
**** Meaning what? If you now have a mom, does your therapist convert to your dad? And if so, does that shake your relationship with her - - will you need her more or in a different way? I can see why this would be so frightening. And I think you are right to question whether you really need to go here. Mine is here, whether I want it or not, but if yours isn't, perhaps it isn't demanding to be opened up. I won't lie to you, I'm in a pretty painful place, feeling alone and not sure how to let my therapist help me. I think about quitting therapy at least once a week. Last week I told him I was leaving because there were too many demands on me from my mom to be the daughter she needs. And I can't do that and do therapy. He said we need to make space for me too, and for little daisy. He said she needs him and he is right. But I don't want to lose my mom to the anger either. (sorry, this isn't about me.)I think what I’m afraid of is that a whole new type of transference will occur, which probably will. The “paternal” transference was horrible (and still is), but what if the maternal transference is so much worse? I’m not sure I can, or am willing, to do that. I spent years dealing w/the paternal transference and I recognize it now, and I don’t know if I can ever stop it from happening with certain type of men, but what if “maternal” transference is so much worse? It seems so raw and child-like…
*****I get both sides of this. Part of me wants to do what your Pdoc suggests -- really own the behaviors and the grief. But that would mean *I* would have to own the abuse too, and I just can't yet. It happened to her -- and slowly she is becoming me. I also think you find it a relief to not have to protect your little girl self -- you can join your pdoc in being harsh with her. And then your therapist's voice kicks in and you KNOW that your behavior IS coming from this younger part. I don't think full integration means you don't feel young sometimes and act from that place. I think it means we understand ourselves and embrace the complexity of everyone. Think about when you feel giddy or silly - don't you think that is a young place? We don't mess with that because it is safe to be playful, usually. Think about losing that side of you, if you were to close off your little girl completely. That wouldn't be good.
I’m not sure I want to totally integrate. Yesterday I had to have a routine medical surgery, but I was put under. I knew as soon as they rolled me into the room that I felt like a scared, little girl. I got through the procedure just fine, but today I ‘m a mess, and I can’t find the little girl to comfort her. How is that helpful? I’d rather know she’s there and be able to help her when she calls for me. This just feels like one dreadful hurt, and I can’t find the little girl to help her. I don’t see that as progress.
Thanks for posting, and congratulations again,
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:749526
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/751021.html