Posted by antigua on April 13, 2007, at 13:32:24
You've been kind of quiet lately, so my first message is I hope you're o.k. The second thing is that I know you've done a lot of "mother" work, which is what I have left. I have turned my T into the perfect mother, and she has been very good standing up for me and being there when I need her. Now, I've just kind of dismissed her. I know it's related to my mother, that I just sealed her off because she didn't, couldn't, whatever help me, although of course Inever came right out and asked for it. (As a mother myself, though, I'm certain there were signs.)
I talked this over with my T yesterday. She said I could leave therapy today (which I've been trying to do) and would function very well, but I wouldn't be "finished" with therapy. I understand what she means, but I don't know how important this might be to me in the long run. I have a much more open relationship with my mother since I told her about my father, and sometimes I think I need to work things out with her and not through my T.
My T says it's my final defense mechanism--pulling aways from her when I need to deal with the feelings my younger self had about my mother's inabilities to be there for me. I'm not sure about that. What do you think?
She told me to think about what would be my greatest fear in opening up this part to her. I've thought hard about this, and I'm afraid that the strength of my "paternal" transference that I put on other men (which was so very painful and long lasting) will erupt with her, and I'm not sure I want, can, etc. deal with it.
any thoughts from anyone would be appreciated.
Let me add that I have a male pdoc, so I'm kind of playing out both parents here. He is a hardline type of guy (get over it, integration means there's no little girl, there's only you, etc., which is troubling at times, but I seem to react better to that, maybe because it's more authoritarian like my father). I'm usually strong enough to dismiss what he says when it doesn't fit, but last night he really tried to take away the little girl. (I had done something stupid and recognized that it had come from her, she was driving my self-destructive behavior). But if I deny her role, than I feel like I can't identify where the behavior is coming from. If it's from her, I can say, Oh, now I understand, but he says full integration means that me, the adult is driving the behavior. But that scare the bejeezus out of me because I'm not sure how to protect myself if I don't know where this behavior is coming from! To me, that puts me at such a greater risk for self-destructive behavior. Does this make any sense?
Help! one and all,
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:749526
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/749526.html