Posted by jammerlich on April 17, 2007, at 22:58:23
Today's session was just hard. I don't like going in there and telling her it's been a difficult week when there's been no event to cause it; but, I did. She asked me to tell her about it. I was quiet for a long time, then told her I didn't know what I really wanted to tell her. She asked, "What can I do to make that decision easier for you," and I told her I didn't know that she could. She asked if it had to do with our relationship and I told her partly; but that wasn't all. The relationship stuff is the most difficult thing for me to talk about. I wanted so badly to call her last week and I HATE myself for it. I just can't tell her about it.
What I ended up talking about is what I've been feeling toward my husband....the anger and all; particularly the feeling like I was the reason I didn't feel love from him. People used to always tell me that it was plain to see how very much her loved me. At first, I thought they were completely nuts. After a while, though, I heard it so much I thought it must be *me.* The love was there; but something that was wrong with me made it where I couldn't feel it.....I was too demanding, had expectations that were too high, was just fundamentally flawed, etc. My T seemed kind of surprised that I thought that was better and than finding out the love really wasn't there. But it IS better. I'd convinced myself that he really loved me and he didn't. That is so painful.
And I talked about not really knowing who he is anymore and what I can trust and what I can't. She thinks I should talk to him about it; I think she's lost her mind. Like I told her; he could only give me words in response and I do not trust his words. I think she sees it as me wanting to know whether or not I was loved. That's not really the point for me. I KNOW I wasn't loved the way a husband loves a wife. As for whether there is any other kind of love there, I'm not sure that I really care. Plus, he's already told me he loved me but was never IN love with me. If I ask again, I'm sure that's what he'll say and I really have no interest in hearing those words ever again. Mainly, I'm just pissed off. In a really, really big way. I feel so very used.
She talked some about how she thinks things will be different when I can be around people who respond to me better. And also about the process of grief, at which time I told her I did NOT like processes. She laughed and said, "Well, you're in one." I explained how it was hard for me to know I was supposed to end up at point D, yet allow myself to give-in to B and C. I just want to skip over it and go from A right to D. She said, "I can't tell you it's going to be comfortable getting there; but, it IS better on the other side." Very quietly, I whispered, "Is it" and she said, "Yes, Jammer. I promise it is." I wish I could believe her, but I just don't. How could she really know?
I still so want comfort from her and I'm just not feeling it. She talked last week about telling her what I need. I don't know what the hell I need. I only know what I want. I want to hang onto her hand for a bit. I want her to put her arms around me and let me cry until there are no tears left. And then I want to sit there in silence until there are more tears and do it all over again. It has been over 6 weeks since anyone touched me. Touch scares the sh*t out of me; but, now I'm keeping track of the days. It's all I can think about.
I was really worried that I'd go through all the wanting to call and not being able to drama again this week, so I asked if she had time for me to come another day this week. She checked her book and I'm going again on Thursday. If I have an appointment, I'm much less likely to suffer and if I pay her, I feel better about taking her time. I still don't like wanting her so much; but, somehow, in my mind, this is better than calling.
Geez, why does it all have to be so HARD?
poster:jammerlich
thread:750897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/750897.html