Posted by littleone on April 15, 2007, at 20:45:23
In reply to Re: ......sigh..... transference » littleone, posted by LittleGirlLost on April 15, 2007, at 0:08:22
I’m so glad you were okay with what I wrote. I was worried that it might come across the wrong way or too harsh. I really do know how awful it is to hear the message I was trying to get across.
> You may be right… not all the time, but tonight yes, I do have the feeling of wanting my T to rescue me and make it all better.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that you are stuck in that feeling all the time. I have seen other posts where you are trying to help yourself. I just meant that post had that feeling around it.
> but honestly there are times when I really just don’t want to; times when I feel nothing but jealousy and resentment towards it. Is that bad?
No, it’s not bad at all. It’s just another side to listen to and respect. Recently I had a lot of bitterness and anger and resentment over the fact that I was having to do this myself. That I hadn’t gotten it as a child. That I’m still not getting it now. I don’t want to do it. I want someone to care for me and hold me and show me I’m special. I want them to make me feel warm and cozy and loved inside.
It feels like a sham if I have to give that to myself. It’s pathetic that the only place I can get it from is from me.
There is a lot of grief behind that. Grieving for what I lost or was never mine to lose. Grieving for those things I was never given. I think grief is scary to face. I bought a special journal to start a Grief Book. So those scary admittances and feelings and thoughts can be very carefully contained. But it’s still very scary just to open the Grief Book and let myself put things in there.
Do you think there’s grief behind your jealousy and resentment?
I think it’s important to accept and respect your little girl feelings for your T. It’s important to allow yourself to have them and to express them (to your T, your journal, babble, through poetry, artwork, etc). Likewise, it is important to allow yourself to have and express the jealousy and resentment. Identify what causes that and what role it plays, eg if they are covering grief, they have been filling a very important role in protecting you from that grief. That needs to be respected.
But over the top of all that, there is the important role of giving yourself that nurturing. To hear your little girl expressing her loss and sadness and yearning and to cradle her and let her know you hear that and tell her that she is very special (and show her that too in your actions).
> Honestly though, I do have a hard time being nurturing (sometimes) to that younger part, when really I just feel jealous because noone was there to nurture me. Or maybe I just don’t know how to? (I’m good with the fun stuff though!)
I find this hard too. I found it easier to learn what fun stuff helped. Harder to talk to the part and show my caring for it. That goes against everything in my nature.
I bought some Willow Tree figures. For me, those little statues portray so much feeling. I’m a very visual person, so by seeing the nurturing in the little statue, it helped me to feel that for my younger parts. I also have some soft toys of various sizes. One of them is a really good size and fit. I can cuddle it close and murmur to it and it feels like I’m nurturing the part that’s upset.
I bought a very sparkly broach for my 10 year old part. I wrote a letter with it and gave it to her one day when she was very miserable and alone. The broach served several purposes, but one of them was to remind her of how special she is and to remind her that she is not alone. That she can call on me or the young part at any time and we will talk to her. I have more parts than that, but those were the only ones I was confident could be kind to her when she needs it. The letter is very nurturing and affirming and reminds us of some important things, so it helps a lot when she’s upset.
I find it helps to talk out loud to her (when that is possible). I find that the caring words seem more solid when they’re said out loud (they seem to get lost in the jumble in my head if I just think them). Even now I find it really hard to know what to say. I am probably still really bad at this side of things. But I think the tone and the feeling behind the tone is important, so they makes it a little easier when the words themselves are hard to find.
I hope something in here helps you a little. I know that acceptance is very drawn out and hard. I circled around it and back and forth for so long (and still am). But it does get easier if you learn to accept it and to help yourself and give yourself the love that you need. It’s still sad though. The type of sad that’s deep inside. But it does help you to cope with the overwhelming feelings.
poster:littleone
thread:749868
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/750123.html