Posted by wishingstar on March 8, 2007, at 14:41:48
In reply to update.. saw her again, posted by wishingstar on March 8, 2007, at 14:38:25
Here's the letter I sent to Ginny. I'm not sure if I regret it yet or not, but I'm sure I will by next time I see her (which is next Thurs).
Hi Ginny,
This got long. If you dont have time to read it and want to hit print
and read it later while I'm there, thats okay. But I dont want to sit in
the room while you do, if you choose to do that. So just let me know.
----In keeping with my pattern of doing things the WRONG way, I'm going to
tell you what's really going on, now that I've left your office. (It's
about 12:30 Thurs, just got back to my office a few minutes ago.) I'm
fully aware that this isnt the way to handle things and I'm probably
being frustrating and manipulative and "asking you to do all the work" (a
quote from Anne) and anything else you might like to add. Sorry. I
know.I dont trust you because it doesnt feel safe anymore. If I tell you
anything even vaguely emotional, it makes me a little more vulnerable, and
I have absolutely no ability to tolerate any more hurt from anyone
right now without going completely over the deep end. I'm just too
vulnerable and too sensitive right now.I need you reassure me and tell me you want me to keep coming. I need
to know that it's okay. What is "it"? Who knows. That it's okay to be
scared, okay to not have it all together and be doing everything correct
right now... and whatever else.I dont think that I need you to "fix" anything right now. I can do the
"fixing".. maybe not well, but I can be responsible for it and do what
needs to be done in the moment to keep myself going. And I think you
can trust me to do that most of the time. I guess what I need it just a
place that is safe and supportive and validating of how hard it is more
than anything else. Of course I realize there's no way for you to be
any of those things if I wont talk to you. But maybe I'm afraid you wont
be that (accidentally or on purpose) even if I DO talk to you. And
that'd be worse than not talking at all.Not trying to make anything your responsibility here. I'm very aware of
the issue that'd bring and how what I'm saying could be taken that way.
I dont necessairly think my adding this little disclaimer makes a
difference, but I'm saying it anyway. Sometimes I wonder what is okay to say
and what isnt because if I'm 100% honest with how I feel, sometimes
someone else ends up feeling manipulated (understandably). But if I didnt
say it, I wouldnt be saying how I felt.I also meant to tell you today (and forgot until I was on my way back
here) that there's something we need to talk about regarding the
cutting. I'm aware that it's becoming a communication tool as much as a coping
mechanism. That isn't good.I'm also still frustrated about the scheduling decision. I think you
made a bad decision. I think the timing is bad, and even though I know
its administrative, there had to be a better option that was more fair to
your current clients too. I know hard decisions have to be made, and
maybe something had to change before I was ready regardless, but the
timing couldnt have been worse if we'd planned it. Is this more about my
issues and past stuff than you? Sure, it is. But knowing that doesnt make
it feel any better or negate the current hurt. It seems like there has
to be a better solution. Would you see me twice a week if I paid you
like I paid Anne and Laurie for the second one? A rhetorical question
really, because I think I know the answer, but if you'd do it, I would.Sorry I'm acting like I am. I'm aware of what I'm doing, but I just
dont feel like I can do any better right now. The possibility of something
going "wrong" is real (because heck, I can take well-intended comments
and run with them even) and I'm just not in a place where I could even
handle one more thing. Sorry if I'm putting you in a hard place. Sorry
if I'm saying sorry too much. :) If you're at a place where you feel
like you cant help me and dont know what to do, okay. Just say so. I'd
rather know now and get hit over the head with ALL of it at once than
try to keep coming, try to trust you, and be surprised again in a few
weeks or a month.Didnt mean for this to be so long. I guess it's something for Thursday.
Enjoy the nice weather.. it's pretty outside.
(signed)
poster:wishingstar
thread:738775
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/739322.html