Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 6, 2007, at 14:37:37
In reply to Re: have I ever wondered if I was ****trigger***** » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 6, 2007, at 13:34:19
I had a good session today. she asked me what my memories were. and it was so hard. I was so out of it. I told her.
she said that if there was CSA, there was already physical violence directed at baby noodle long before that happened. she is so kind. she even admired my new tote bag. reframed it as a dissertative act, rather than as a distraction.
said that my nesting instincts were kicking in because I'm getting ready to put forth a lot of effort into the writing.
she also said that my creative and organizational powers were kicking in, and that's because I want my dissertation to be well-organized and creative.
And we went through my journal entries. this was good for me. she helped me understand my mom a little better. Said that my mom really lacked empathy at key points when a little girl needs her mom. The reason why this is good is because I am learning why my instinct for self-reliance is so strong as to be pathological: because mom wasn't there, and when she was physically there, she was likely dissociated herself.
my poor mom. she must have something awful in her history. I feel pity, and sympathy, and anger. She makes me feel like a bad person when I cannot accept her love unconditionally.
And yeah, iwillsurvive, it's good that my arm is intact. (go ME!)
And yeah Daisy- my T is good and I guess it was rosy thinking on my part to take that for granted. I wish I could clone her and send her to babblers in search of insightful psychoanalytically-minded T's everywhere.
But I cannot. so, I'll just make the most of my time with her, even when the best job I can do feels like nothing ever gets resolved.
I've made progress. I can feel it now. even 3 weeks ago, I wasn't so sure, but now I can tell.
now I be nice to llurpsie and get cracking on the diss work of the day. 4 pp a day and the diss will be done by April. I can do it.
Ll
and the sweetest revenge for my sh*tty childhood is that my mom has offered to pay for my graduation gown. For a PhD, that is no insignificant gift. I'll do my best to take what I can get from her and understand it as a gift from someone who honestly thinks that she did the best job she could have. ((mom half-hugs are safer anyways.
poster:Llurpsie_Noodle
thread:738494
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/738748.html