Posted by muffled on December 6, 2006, at 0:50:52
In reply to My Mom is RESISTING **suicide abuse triggers*****, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 5, 2006, at 23:57:17
Li, this is my perspective as a I a Mom myself.
> She called me earlier. She wanted to bring up something.**She's reaching out to you, she cares?
>
> Dad once took a medicine that made him act funny (for a week) older bro took different meds, some of which had strange side effects.
> Was I taking any meds that are making me feel bad right now? Maybe if I stop that, then I'll feel better.**Shes concerned for you, she cares?
>
> Um, NO MOM. this is not as simple as reducing my problems to a set of drug side effects. Although that is a very comforting idea, I don't think it can account for the fact that (insert various episodes of neglect and ill-treatment)
> I tried to be nice at first, only bringing up some of the milder offenses.**This where I really started to feel the anger that you have towards your mother.
>
> She told me I needed to put this into a context of what generation she was, etc etc. (I told her my T was of her generation, if not older, and still thought this stuff was wrong)**she making excuses....
> She told me that she did the best job she could at holding the family together.**She's human...
I told her that she should be able to acknowledge that she could have done more to
> 1) protect her daughter from abuse
> 2) cultivate a culture where women are not abused
> 3) discipline my brothers for hitting me (and her)
> 4) cultivate a culture where the little sister is respected and protected**Mebbe she could have...
Mebbe she couldn't have...
Sorta like people saying to a person thats clinically depressed to, 'just snap out of it.'
>
> She had ready excuses for all of this... blaming my Dad, her dad, my brother.**Mebbe the truth in unbearable to her :-(
If I had my kid say this to me, even if some part of me knew it was true, my heart would be breaking, because I love my kids SO much.You can look back and wonder, 'why did/didn't I DO this???'. But at the time....
>
> I told her that it wasn't helping me to hear her excuses. That there was NO way that she could understand things from my point of view. That sometimes I was very young, and that the way that these events made me feel as a child will be very different from how an equivalent event would make an adult feel (she conceded, and then followed up with another excuse/rationalization/etc...)**And she stuck with you on the phone, she didn't hang up, she listened even though she must have been hurting. Hurting for you, hurting hurself. Maybe she truly cares?
>
> At one point she even started telling me about all the horrible things HER dad did to her. Grandpa, whom I love. Great. Um MOM! this is YOUR SH*T. I calmly explained to her that she might consider getting a psychotherapist and learning to understand this stuff and how it affects her.**Yeah, mebbe a T might do her good? Esp in this difficult time.
>
> She had at least a dozen excuses for avoiding psychotherapy. My favorite was this: when she was 13, she signed up to work with a therapist-in-training for free therapy, thinking it would be cool. She went three times, and the therapist was repeating back the things she was telling him/her? and she didn't like how it made her feel. That it made those ideas seem REAL somehow (um Mom? they were YOUR thoughts, the therapist did not put new thoughts in your head, only helped you make the implicit/unconscious memories more explicit and accessible. Bummer)**Yes a bummer. I am surprized she went at all. Her generation really looks down on T.
>
> How freakin' ridiculous is THAT!?! a bad experience 40 years ago, with 3 sessions?**Fear. Fear drives us to do the stangest things...
>
> She kept on telling me all this heavy stuff. I had to remind her every 2 minutes- this is YOUR STUFF, *I* cannot help you with this. I am not healthy enough to hear this stuff right now. If you want to help me (ostensibly the reason for her call?) please either think HARD about your own role in this stuff, or get your own therapist, who you can talk to, who will help you see how every sentence you say contradicts itself, and how distorted your ideas are. She's positively delusional. Truly.**Indeed I beleive you are right Li.
>
> I told her I knew why she was resisting. It's because it's really comforting to think of our family as having been healthy and happy and such. It's hard to go back in the past and work on this stuff. She promised me that she would do whatever it took to help me get better. I told her that I don't know what the next step is, but that it almost certainly has to involve you MOM acknowledging your failures. Until you are able to do so, all your excuses, rationalizations, memory lapses, etc... feel like you are invalidating my experience, like you are invalidating my feelings, like you are telling me that this never happened, that I'm making all this stuff up.**This is where I am confused. I think its up to Li to deal with Li. I think it might be helpful and useful to have your Mom admit these things I suppose.
But what your 'childs' perception, and what your mentally ill mothers perception is, of what when on will likely differ. And mebbe its not the be all and end all. Because each persons trauma is their own. What traumatizes one, doesn't another. Trauma is very subjective. And given your mothers history, its quite possible that she truly does not understand.
And she had failings. So do I :-(
I love my kids SO much. But I fear I have scarred them.
The thot absolutely breaks my heart. Cuz as a MOm, I supposed to protect them :(
>
> I had 3 trump cards. what I told her:
>
> 1) My T says that you were "checked out, tuned out" during much of my childhood. (Oh no! I was very involved I did ....etc). Oh? What would you tell me if I told you that I didn't take a shower for a WHOLE MONTH when I was in seventh grade. (silence... well? would YOU want your mother to know what you were doing in the bathroom?) MOM! I'm yelling at her- I walked around for a month without washing my hair. How could you not NOTICE? (more rationalizations... but she's coming round...) MOM! what if I were the neighbor's kid, and I was in 7th grade and I had greasy hair? What would you SAY?**I'd say, I wonder if her mother is depressed or something. If that lady needs help so that she can better care for her child, which she seems to love?
>
> 2. My next trump card when she started getting too wrapped up in her own delusions: Mom, you had a younger son who was suicidal, an older son who could not stop trying to kill himself and you thought that your [middle] daughter was somehow experiencing an idyllic childhood? How could you NOT assume that all this was affecting me too?**OMG, a mothers utter nightmare :(
>
> and finally la piece de resistance**Yeah, stick it to her. Stab her with those steely knives, cuz you just can't kill the beast.
>
> 3. Mom, you want to blame all of this stuff on Dad and my older brother's illness (he had a serious childhood illness). But the truth is that older bro was SICK before he had the illness. He was carving up his arm, he was really screwed up. I remember, mom. (she concedes... he was depressed for a while before he got the serious illness) Mom, how can you pretend that our family was not sick? Mom, how can you pretend that I [lurpsie] was immune to all of this?
>
**The human mind is a wonderous thing. the things it can do to 'protect' us....
>
> I think I may have motivated her to see a T. She's more deluded that I thought. Fortunately, she's not defending them with anger, but rather by alluding to some new delusion. slippery. slimy. no grasp on reality, human nature or common sense.**So much anger :(
>
> this woman who is my mother.**Who loves you?
Li, I REALLY don't mean to seem harsh, but as a mother this post really was hard to read. Its seems like you mom does care from what I have read.
Its sounds quite possible that there was/is mental illness involved.
Your Mom is human.
She screwed up big time. You got really damaged.
Why didn't she do more? Was it because she don't like you? Was it deliberate cruelty on her part?
I dunno, but next thing, it gonna be your Mom that breaks...
Just wanted you to see the other side of the coin...
And not to depend too much on your Moms reaction..
Cuz there's lots who don't have Moms, or Moms who would be willing to try and talk about it at all.
So I don't think you NEED your Mom to heal yourself is what I am trying say.
Just be careful Li.
Its all so hard.
Dammit, wish things could be different.
Take it slow Li.
This is such big stuff.
Guess the seroquel is keeping you settled a bit.
I'da flipped out by now.
I have not a CLUE as to what you do with the rage.
If you find out, let me know.
I don't hate my Ma. I just pity her :(
It all sucks.
But hang in there.
Emotions are signposts thats telling us somethings going on. They pass.
(((((((((LI)))))))))))))
:(
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:710023
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061123/msgs/710764.html