Posted by wishingstar on June 8, 2006, at 14:46:25
In reply to Re: acting out big time (sex trigger) » wishingstar, posted by Tamar on June 7, 2006, at 11:56:01
Your response really gave me something to think about. I think you're right. Physical abuse is, in my mind, preferable to the emotional neglect that I received for so long. I remember once, many years ago while I was still living with my parents, telling my T that I'd rather they just hit me than what they were doing. (Please no one who has been hit take offense to that.. I'm certainly not trying to suggest that it's any easier or any better than anything else. It's all equally horrible). But it does seem like a better kind of suffering.
As to the context, I just dont know. I heard all the negative things the girls were saying, but I guess part of me wasnt hearing it too. They SEEMED so normal now, that I guess my subconscious was asking, how bad could it have been? I can do that. My rational side doesnt believe that at all though.
I dont even think it's the idea of being worshiped by the men, or of having great sex, or any of that that is drawing me in. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'd hate it. But there's a part of me I just havent found the right words for yet that almost would feel good just because I was acting out. Not because I was "being bad" as some people feel.. it's different than that. I wish I had the words. Partially a "look what I can do, **** you all" feeling. But not completely. Also, I think in part I'd want it to break me out of the blankness and nothingness I feel so often. Something is better than nothing. It's the bad, dirty, disrespectful part I have in my mind, and yet I'm STILL drawn into it. I dont understand. Someone needs to smack me across the head and wake me up! Ugh.
But you're right, I wont do it. I know that I'm smarter than that. I guess the thoughts just disturb me a little. Thank you for your response.. you all are the greatest. I definitely have a lot to think about now.
poster:wishingstar
thread:653771
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060604/msgs/654540.html