Posted by starloree on June 3, 2006, at 15:31:57
In reply to Re: sex after.......? maybe a trigger?, posted by Karolina on June 3, 2006, at 15:11:09
yeah, i pretty much knew all those things, that it's a way i was coping and it's not really helpful cause the problem is still there, i knew that. but also, since i had NEVER done anything like that before, i wanted to at least try it, but the whole reason i even thought of it was because of my situation with my T. i didn't think of him while i was having sex. actually, to tell the truth, i actually told my guy friend exactly what i wanted to try out (him being the one in control, rather than me saying "put your hand here" or "do this, like that" which is what i usually do. i want a guy who will know what to do, who can TAKE CONTROL of the situation, and also, might not listen to me if i tell him what to do. and i know WHY i want this, cause in my regular life, i am in control (well, of things i CAN control) and for once, i want to let someone else take control, i want to be controlled. anyways i guess this friend of mine was not right for the job cause, it being his first time, well, you know. so we ended up doing what HE always fantasized about, the woman being in control and on top. so of course, that's nothing new to me (not the being on top, i don't usually do that, but being in control). anyways so i know why i did this, and i didn't expect it to solve my problem or anything, but i do know i was trying to cope in a possibly unhealthy way (possibly, because i know i wouldn't go so far as to do it with just anyone, and i am pretty sure i won't deal with all my problems like this, and also, cause i don't regret this experience). i guess i really just wanted to see if anyone else had done anything like this, or what they thought of the whole situation. and also, i just needed to talk to someone about it, cause i don't have anyone who i would admit this to!
yes, i have been thinking about telling my T about this, but then of course, i have this fear that if i tell him i did this, he would think a little less of me, and then later, a few years down the road, he might bump into me, and instead of thinking "i remember when this chic had a huge crush on me, maybe i could ask her out now, since it's been more than two years since she's been my client"....like i wish he would think, he would probably think "hmmmm, this chic was pretty freaky when she was my client, i'd better stay away from her" and he wouldn't even think of asking me out in the future, when he could. now,i have told my T this, about a different situation, when i had told him that i had been thinking about him a little less, or actually, my thinking wasn't as intrusive. and when i told him that, he said "great" and then afterwards, i felt "why did i say that!" because now he thinks, and would think, a few years down the road, "she doesn't think of me anymore" and so he wouldn't take the chance of asking me out. get what i'm saying? so i am still under the hopeful thinking that even though we can't be together now, he might possibly ask me in a few years, if he bumped into me. and i want to keep that possibility open, so i wouldn't want him to think anything that would dissuage him from asking me out in the future. IT'S CRAZY THINKING i know. anyways, so i have told him all of this, that i still hope all that, and this would just be another situation to tell him about, but i don't want to tell him cause it might ruin my chances! EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NO CHANCE!!!!! uuuuuurrrrrggggg. so frustrating!
sorry so long!
starloree
poster:starloree
thread:652386
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/652430.html