Posted by starloree on June 3, 2006, at 13:28:27
i don't know if this would be a trigger, just thought it could be. anyways okay so i have had a crush on my T for the longest time, it is not transference (he doesn't even think so), but i can't stop thinking about him, and we talk about my feelings sometimes and get really deep about it...anyways so i KNOW that nothing will ever happen, but i also KNOW that i can't accept that! so the last time i saw him, he said, after we had been talking about it "but you KNOW that this is never going to happen, right?" and that made me tear up, and i said yeah. and of course he asked how i felt about that, and i just said not good. anyways after that session i left very depressed, even though that statement was nothing knew to me, but i was very depressed and thought about harming myself, which i haven't thought about and really wanted to do in a LONG time. and i also thought about drinking, just getting drunk, wishing that i were the type of person who drank to forget her troubles, but i am not like that, i don't drink much at all, but if i do, it's usually if i go out and am having FUN, not depressed. so i thought of that the same day.i also thought of having sex, and i don't get horny all that often, but it started that night and i started thinking about sex the rest of the week, thought about it the whole time, not with my T, but with anyone. and actually, recently, a guy friend who i used to work with moved to town, and we'd been hanging out. i don't find him attractive in the least, but he is a good guy, i talk about everything with him, very open minded. so while i was inspecting apartments (my job this summer), they were vacant, i practiced how i would approach this friend of mine about having sex, but with no attatchment, and not letting it ruin what we have, there would be no relationship attatched to the sex, just sex. i thought about this and practiced all week. also, while inspecting these vacant apartments, i thought about....and i am SORRY if this hurts anyone or upsets anyone to read this.....i thought about how i wish there was just a guy in the closet who would jump out and, well, rape me. i've had similar thoughts like that before, but...not really. and i know it is NO coincidence that i am all of a sudden thinking all these things after my emotional session. but anyways, i DID end up talking about it and doing it with my friend. and afterwards we were fine, ta;lking just like normal. the sex didn't do anything for me, and i didn't really EXPECT any satisfaction, but i wanted sex, and i did it with him. i don't regret it really, but i just hope i won't start doing this everytime i get upset. see, i am seperated right now from husband and we are getting divorce for sure, and we agreed to see other people (although he probably won't, he's kind of still stuck on me), and i have never been one to have casual sex, and so i figured if i did it with someone i trusted, but wasn't in a relationship with, it would kind of be like casual sex, cause the only other times i have had sex is with someone i was in a relationship with.
anyways i guess i just wanted to get this out there, if any of you have any input, i'd appreciate it!
thanks
starloree
poster:starloree
thread:652386
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/652386.html