Posted by Tamar on September 12, 2005, at 19:04:34
In reply to Re: Lying Therapist » Tamar, posted by cricket on September 10, 2005, at 16:13:52
Hi cricket,
> > It seems to me that you’ve been working quite hard on trying to feel attached to him and he seems to be a little ambivalent about it. It may be partly a matter of his personal ‘style’; perhaps he’s not sure what your attachment would mean for him professionally. And maybe you’re a little ambivalent about it too, in which case, perhaps he isn’t dealing terribly well at the moment with your ambivalence.
>
> Yeah, I think there's something there. Does he feel if I attach to him, I might be too needy maybe? That's hardly my style though.Sometimes people can be something that isn’t their usual style in therapy. In real life nothing embarrasses me, and yet in therapy I would get embarrassed about silly things. (Once I nearly curled up into a ball in therapy because I had to say the word ‘underpants’; normally I tell dirty jokes to anyone who will listen.) I’m sure your therapist knows what your usual style is, but perhaps he’s not sure how it might change once you get attached. It doesn’t mean that being needy (or anything else) is necessarily wrong; it might be simply that he’s unsure what to expect if/when you get attached.
> Or is it possible that he is trying to wall himself off (and that's what it feels like sometimes) because he's afraid that if I trust, attach, depend on him the whole tinderbox of whatever feelings he is sitting on (positive or negative, I have no idea which) might explode?
That’s a possibility. And also there’s a possibility that he hopes you’re going to attach but doesn’t know how or when it might happen and so he might be guarded because he’s not sure how you’re feeling. I would strongly hope he doesn’t have any negative feelings about you; I think if he does he needs to deal with his countertransference issues…
There does seem to be something wrong if you feel he’s walling himself off. I suppose there’s always a slight possibility you’re projecting that feeling. But in general I think projection is too easily used to imply that you’re imagining something the therapist doesn’t want to admit to.
> Yeah, maybe he is feeling a little deskilled. I don't know. I think it is inevitable that treating someone like me would make a therapist feel like that. But he should know that.
Yes, he should definitely know that!
> Oh I'm sure I am sending confused signals. I AM very confused. I wish he would help me figure it out.
Quite!
> Well he's never been a source of support. That could be because I don't let him be, although I long for it. But for whatever the reason, I have never felt supported by him. Babble is my only source of support.
Perhaps in some ways you’re quite different people. But perhaps in other ways you’re quite similar, especially if you don’t feel comfortable being needy and if you think he might feel uncomfortable with your possible neediness (I’m inferring wildly here, so I might be quite wrong). If you’re both feeling inclined to draw back from the relationship, perhaps you’re both facing similar difficulties with what might be involved in moving forward.
It all sounds like something worth talking about to him, if you can face it. Especially the feeling that he’s walling himself off and that you long for support. Those two things seem to me to be crucial to this whole situation.
I hope things improve very soon.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:552671
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050912/msgs/554347.html