Posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2005, at 15:48:14
In reply to ....too much ...... (possible *trigger*), posted by shrinking violet on August 20, 2005, at 14:07:34
> I prepared myself for it, I expected it, but I suppose this is all bothering me more than I had hoped.
Yeah. Sometimes reason doesn't seem to have all that much effect on emotion :-(
>I did manage to leave a message for a new T.....one that my former T recommended......however she is out of the office for another week, but hopefully I will hear back from her.
Yeah. I hope that comes through for you. I really really hope.
>I need to work this out with someone, to find out whether I'm overreacting, or whether I have a right to feel hurt and betrayed.
I think... Emotions just are. You feel hurt and betrayed. Facts. They might pass, but the fact that you feel hurt and betrayed at this point in time won't change.
>It's so hard, though, because the one person who could have fixed this for me, won't. I never thought she'd hurt me, I never thought she'd hurt me like this....I didn't think she was capable. I trusted her. She seemed so genuine, and yet.....Gosh, what a fool I've been.
:-(
Its hard...
Its so hard not to take it personally.
:-(
> I SI for the first time last night, for the first time in a while. I did it mainly b/c the pain was so great I needed to do something else, but maybe a part of me did it to get back at my T, b/c I know that this behavior used to upset her, even though now she'll never know I even did it, let alone her being the cause. I've thought of killing myself too, just to make her feel the way I do now, b/c she'll know she was the reason, but she'll never be able to talk to me and find out why and get some closure for herself.:-(
I've been there before too.
And... The most painful thing in the world was to find that the clinician didn't even care. In fact... Somehow or other... They thought it justified the termination. And nobody would work with me after that.It was a bit about that... But mostly it was about the pain. I hear you.
>That's selfish and stupid, though, I know that....
I don't think its selfish and stupid.
If you beat yourself up over it then you are only going to feel worse
(And have the urge to do it again to make the bad feelings stop)
I don't think its selfish and stupid.
Just... counter-productive.>I just want her to feel what I'm feeling. If she knew what this felt like, I don't think she'd want this for me. Or maybe she would....Sometimes I feel like she's punishing me for being such a nightmare.
I hear you.
I don't think she meant to hurt you so much.
It is hard...
Trying to make sense of terminations.
I think that they decide on relatively objective grounds.
There are so many people in need...
And then there are resource / time constraints
And they have to make the decision relatively objectively because they are acountable to other people to justify their decision.
But I don't really know...
I'm just trying to figure out something
Where termination isn't personal.
Where they don't intend for us to feel so horrible
Where they really don't intend for that to happen
But it is hard...
Hard to see how they couldn't forsee it
Hard to see how they can justify it.I don't know.
I'm sorry.
> I needed a better ending.I think...
Its about retelling the story until you come to a version that is a better ending.I don't know that she could have helped with that.
In my experience... Trying to get them to provide a better ending only leads to a whole heap of begging and pleading and ultimately a worse ending as I hate them for degrading myself
:-(
poster:alexandra_k
thread:543906
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/544431.html