Posted by shrinking violet on August 20, 2005, at 14:07:34
In reply to asked for a second chance.....she said no, posted by shrinking violet on August 19, 2005, at 15:01:15
(*speaks a bit of coping behaviors.....please be careful if triggered*)
I'm not sure what else to say, but ....I'm having a horrid time with this. I prepared myself for it, I expected it, but I suppose this is all bothering me more than I had hoped. I did manage to leave a message for a new T.....one that my former T recommended......however she is out of the office for another week, but hopefully I will hear back from her. I need to work this out with someone, to find out whether I'm overreacting, or whether I have a right to feel hurt and betrayed. It's so hard, though, because the one person who could have fixed this for me, won't. I never thought she'd hurt me, I never thought she'd hurt me like this....I didn't think she was capable. I trusted her. She seemed so genuine, and yet.....Gosh, what a fool I've been.
I SI for the first time last night, for the first time in a while. I did it mainly b/c the pain was so great I needed to do something else, but maybe a part of me did it to get back at my T, b/c I know that this behavior used to upset her, even though now she'll never know I even did it, let alone her being the cause. I've thought of killing myself too, just to make her feel the way I do now, b/c she'll know she was the reason, but she'll never be able to talk to me and find out why and get some closure for herself. That's selfish and stupid, though, I know that....I just want her to feel what I'm feeling. If she knew what this felt like, I don't think she'd want this for me. Or maybe she would....Sometimes I feel like she's punishing me for being such a nightmare.
I just wanted to fix it.
I just needed to have a good few months with her to make up for the rest of it.
I needed a better ending.
I needed to talk about our relationship and figure out what it really meant, if anything.
Is that too much to ask?
I guess so.
Ironic, how a few meetings with her would have cleared up so much for me, would have let me put this to rest and helped me to think of her fondly and take away the regret. Instead, I have a lot of pain and regret and hurt ahead of me.
How do I cope with that? How does anyone?
poster:shrinking violet
thread:543906
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/544396.html