Posted by Shortelise on July 16, 2005, at 23:19:31
So, how are my patient Babbling friends?
I will see my T for the first time since I stormed out of his office five weeks ago muttering that he's a nasty little man.
I am confused. On the one hand I feel, as he said on the phone later, that my behaviour was "not acceptable". He said it wasn't acceptable at "this point in therapy" for me to walk out, nor was it acceptable for me to call him a nasty "person" within the hearing of others.
So, ok, should I feel sorry? I don't think I do. And I feel badly about that.
I don't know what to say to him.
I feel like saying, ok, go ahead an tell me what you think, Doc. Go ahead and tell me how angry you are and why. Tell me how wrong I was, how "bad" I am. That mustbe a pattern.
But then I also want to ask him to help me, not alienate me. Another pattern?
I also feel like saying, hey, it's ok, I can go now, and I'll be ok. But then, I have this feeling in my body, this really hard to stand feeling, like sadness, but like impotence too. Helplessness. Frustration. Capitulation.
This is all just incomprehensible to me, and I feel I can't ask for help. It's that finking shame thing.
Worms in wood make little tunnels. I feel full of them, full! I can't see them, don't know where they lead or what purpose they serve. It feels like I am doing things, reacting in ways to therapy that I do not understand. That I am afraid again to understand, and now it feels like Iam going to be exposed to really painful things and I won't have the help of my T.
Am I being manipulative? Am I doing these things, saying these things, screwing around without knowing it, just to get some need met - a need I can't even see that I have, or admit to myself that I have?
I am chasing my tail. It's only now that I am sitting down to try to figure this out. I've left it alone for several weeks. I need to be coherant on Monday, though.
And oh God, an old lover who has remained a friend for the past 25 years wants to visit with his son and his son's mother, who is my friend's lover, and I ... I am not sure I could handle it. I've seen him a few times in the past few years, he's stayed with my husband and I, and it's been very nice, but the "other woman" things might make me nuts, and I really feel the need to talk with my T about this and feel I can't, that all our time will be taken with this other stuff, but I need to let my friend know, asap, if I'll be able to receive him, his lover and their son (they don't live in the same country as I do or as each other - it's a weird story). And if they do come, I'll really want the support of my T.
This is so finking hard.
I am hoping for some of your usual thoughtful responses. Thank you.
ShortE
poster:Shortelise
thread:528837
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050716/msgs/528837.html