Posted by shrinking violet on May 18, 2005, at 20:50:03
In reply to Re: Is it harmful to be friends with T ? long, posted by LG04 on May 16, 2005, at 23:46:38
wow thank you LG for sharing this.....It's really resonating with me right now.
> I skimmed a few of these posts and want to tell you all about a book I've been reading called,
> "When Boundaries Betray Us." I found it at a used bookstore and thought it would be about a therapist who was sexual with >a client. .... Turns out, it's a book about a therapist and client who had a very strong "soul connection" and had discussed >being friends after therapy. In the end, the therapist said no, and the client was devestated for a long, long time. She felt >that the therapist held back b/c of the professional boundaries, and in fact "hid" behind them due to her own fears of >intimacy, and in doing so, betrayed the authenticity of their relationship.---Sounds very interesting, and similar to with what i'm struggling with right now. I requested the book through my library's ILL so I should have it in a few days. I'm not expecting it all to apply, and I'm already leery of it being a "T-bashing," but if I can relate to it at all right now, it might help. So thank you for suggesting it.
> The author feels that for her, healing comes in creating authentic, soulful, mutual relationships with others. And that >though therapy has its place, the "power-over" aspect of it became very constricting for her and she also feels it's a result >of a patriarchal society. She couldn't take it anymore. she loved her therapist and knew her therapist felt the same, and was >ready to move into a different, mutual kind of relationship where they would continue to grow and heal. but the therapist >backed out.---That's similar to my situation. Although my T and I never openly discussed being friends, it's been hinted at and then ignored by both of us. She'd ask me if I could imagine us being friends, or me having her in my life in some way. Last session, she said that I was trying to suggest a friendship and then reacted when she resisted, but I told her I didn't agree with that. Then she sounded a little insulted and said, "Yeah like who could ever be friends with me right." And I told her that wasn't what I meant. She's said how much I mean to her, and vice versa. She's acknowledged this relationship was different, special, intense. Maybe I took it wrong, maybe she meant in the therapeutic sense, but sometimes I felt that she meant something else too. And I feel like there's a lot going on with us, stuff that we ignored and didn't talk about.....And I wonder if I'm imaginging it or if she felt it too. My last session with her was Hell, b/c we both threw up our walls and defenses, and she hid behind the therapy wall and threw up all the boundaries she could, reacting completely opposite of the way she usually does with me.
> If my therapist had stopped contact when i left the country, i would have been beyond devestated. it would have affected my ability to trust people probably for the rest of my life. she knew this and agreed to an ongoing phone therapy relationship with me even though none of her colleagues approved of it. she knew in her heart that it was the right thing, THANK GOODNESS she had the courage to follow her instincts and intimate knowledge of the situation. i can't imagine had she cut me off. the pain would have been unbearable. i've been thru enough pain in my life. G-d knows i don't need more.
--I can so relate to this. I'm going through this now, and I feel like my T doesn't know (or care) how this termination is affecting me. I couldn't even explain it if I had to, it's just a deep hurt and fear and panic and rejection and loss. I've lost people before, and it's hard but, this is so different. I wish your T could talk to my T. ;-)
> we are now working thru a termination process. neither of us know what will be in the future. we are both open to a different kind of relationship. but we both believe that this one needs to be grieved and let go of first, before we can determine how each of us feels about developing a different kind of relationship. we each talk about how precious we are to one another, how it's a very special relationship, that we have a soul connection.--Again, similar to my T and I. We've suggested or said similar things. But then we each push the other away, hide behind various things, shift in our seats, avert our eyes and whistle. I wish wish wish I had talked more about this with her, pushed a dialogue of our relationship and what it means and whether it's deeper than the therapy itself. But I wasn't ready for a talk like that. And now it's too late.
> yet, we each agree that probably in many ways it would be easier to not pursue anything after termination. it's very difficult to change boundaries, to figure out how to do it and so many many issues that go along with it. we will each have to ask ourselves if we are willing to take the harder road, one that is filled with a lot of fears, but where the rewards could be infinite. it will mean a lot of discussion with each other about expectations and fears and risks and so on, and a tremendous amount of openness and honesty with each other. i am just now thinking that even the process of discussing it will be so growth-inducing for me no matter what the ultimate decision is.--Again, I feel like this is something my T and I should be doing. But I'm not sure if it's just a one-sided feeling,or if she has it too but is burying it. I want to call her on it,I want to tell her that it's BS that it's ending this way with us and that it isn't fair and that I know she feels that our relationship is too special to have it be dictated by how we met. But.....I'm afraid. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm carrying it too far. Maybe I took everything she said to me too literally. I mean, how do you know? And even if she denies it, is it b/c she doesn't want to acknowledge it, or is it b/c it's really my imagination?
> i don't agree with one-size-fits-all rules. there are always exceptions and to ignore them is a situation where, as the books says, "boundaries betray us." the painful part is when one person wants one thing, and the other wants another.
--True. But I'm at a loss at to what she would want if anything. And I couldn't envision a best pals type of relationship either, at least not at first. I'd settle for a once a month phone check-in, or coffee date. I don't see what's wrong with that. Just to keep tabs on each other, just to keep the other close.
> i hope this will not happen between us. either we'll both agree not to pursue it, or we'll both want to pursue it. i have a strong sense that we will come to a decision together, that the process will reveal to us what to do.--I wish you both the best of luck. Again, um, can you or your T talk to my T? Please?! ;-)
> lastly, i recently read an article about transference where it said that the POSSIBILITY for a future relationship with one's therapist is essential to letting go of the transference, b/c otherwise the therapist always remains the carrier of greater consciousness. the client will always feel that the therapist has something that the client needs (though of course it's not true). it talked about these clubs that freud and jung used to have where they'd "hang out" with their former clients, where they recognized that some kind of continuing relationship was important. (and we all know how rigid Freud was).--Do you know the article? Is it available online? Or do you have the citation or title? I'd like to try to find it.....
> but i have to say i get furious when i read about some of the situations here on this list where therapists have cut off their clients. it makes me feel so much pain inside. there has to be more flexibility in the profession, such as gradual termination or perhaps limited but continued contact until the client feels ready to make the full break. or maybe it's never a full break, maybe it's a phone call a few times a year to say hi. what is so wrong with that? aren't we human beings?--THANK YOU. That's what I think.....Maybe we should start an organization or something? :-/
Thanks again for sharing this.
You're very lucky.
poster:shrinking violet
thread:493094
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/499632.html