Posted by messadivoce on March 30, 2005, at 1:02:08
I can get through a day now without seriously thinking about my ex T. No wait, that's not true. But I can get through a day without obsessing.
But I dream, night after night, about him. I didn't start dreaming about him until I terminated. I did have one dream when I had only 2 sessions left with him, that I was sitting in his office trying to talk to him, and he kept disappearing, literally vanishing. I asked him why and he wouldn't tell me why he kept doing that.
I don't remember my dreams very well usually, and the ones I have lately are not exceptions. But I always meet him by chance in these dreams, and we always have a very limited time to talk, and when I leave I feel like I'm being pulled away by something stronger than me. And I wake up feeling very sad. :-(
I wish, I wish that to have him would mean that all my "daddy" needs are taken care of. I think I want to believe that. That if I could just have him as my T in my life indefinitely, that this gaping hole inside would disappear.
I'm getting really close to my senior recital, and all I can think is that he won't be there. I have trouble concentrating on all the people who *will* be there. It's so petty, I know. It was so incredibly special last year, to walk onstage and see him, beaming, in the last seat of the last row. To think of that now makes me smile.
And now he doesn't want to hear from me, doesn't want me to call, or even e-mail all that much. I feel like it's my fault, but the only fault I have is that I'm not his client anymore, and I couldn't help that now, could I?
How do those of you who are close to termination, or have terminated, or are thinking about it, how do you fill that hole? Can it even be done? Is this a dumb question?
poster:messadivoce
thread:477523
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050329/msgs/477523.html