Posted by Skittles on March 25, 2005, at 10:14:09
In reply to Therapy is officially over for me, posted by Skittles on March 24, 2005, at 21:47:06
am not feeling better. just seem to be getting worse. cannot eat. cannot sleep. cannot stop crying. didn't know a body could make this many tears. skin beneath eyes is red and burning and beginning to peel away.
so hurt and angry and filled with grief. all feelings that i must handle alone. especially angry that i do not have an opportunity to express any of these emotions to her face-to-face.
yesterday she said she changed the way she did things for me because she wanted to be kind. didn't ask for or want special treatment. just wanted to be helped. not my fault that she did things differently but she's putting all the blame for failure on me. i'm "ambivalent." I'm making her a "participant in the not getting better."
yesterday she told me she thought the world of me. wish she had thought enough of me to treat me like everyone else she saw. wish she had thought enough of me to talk about what she saw as ambivalence before it got so big that she felt she couldn't see me anymore. wish she had thought enough of me to mention earlier that she felt like i wasn't taking enough of her suggestions and that it could put an end to our time together. wish she had thought enough of me to tell me when we talked two weeks ago that what she truly insisted on was medication, so that i wouldn't have been hopeful that making other changes in my daily life would be enough. just wish she had thought enough of me.
still not hating her. just overwhelmed by sadness and longing. wishing so that i could run out of tears. when this all started, said it felt like a death. am thinking now that it is worse.
poster:Skittles
thread:469454
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050315/msgs/475363.html