Posted by daisym on March 12, 2005, at 23:34:06
I've now seen a pdoc three times. She is very nice and seems to know a lot about the latest, greatest medications. I've tried to be honest with her about what is happening with me, with lots of prompting from my therapist. She first prescribed a sleeping med, which works and the second time added in Ativan, which made me suicidal. In our discussion of this, she explored a few things and then announced that she really doesn't think medication is going to help me, though she would be willing to try an AD, but she really thought I needed to think about how destabilizing therapy is for me. It is her opinion that this is not the right time to be doing this deep work, given how complicated my life is. She asked me what the hardest part of therapy was for me and I said it was a tie between telling the stories and the struggle I have with being so attached to my therapist. Her answer was that I didn't have to tell the stories, that going back wasn't usually helpful and if I was unable to contain things between sessions then we were pushing too hard and too fast. As far as my attachment worries, she said that I was right to be realistic about things. She believes that therapists do grow resentful of "clingy" clients and that I needed to set boundaries for myself and not tell him about them. She thinks it would help me in my own head to know what my limits were -- i.e. only three phone calls a month, or something.
I found myself shaking my head and agreeing with her. I want to set limits. I don't want my therapist to think of me as clingy and I certainly don't want him to resent me. And then I wondered why I was letting her opinion matter to me. I left very upset.
As fate would have it, I had my appointment with her on the same day as one of the only therapy appointments I could fit in this week. So, imagine the mess I was by the time I finally got to him: I had missed several appointments because I was out of town and then I heard all of this. I told my therapist most of what she said and while he was very professional about it, I could tell he wanted to strangle her. Mostly because I took away the message that I shouldn't be doing this work if I was falling apart around it, or needing my therapist in between sessions. I felt criticized. I kept telling him I didn't want to talk about it yet, I hadn't had a chance to think about it enough and yet I'd go right back to it. I finally looked at him with big tears and said, "Do you think I shouldn't be doing this work? Am I not strong enough? I don't want to stop 1/2 way through and have to start over at some point in the future."
What could have been a disaster turned into a pretty great session about where we were and where we were going. He said he really believed we were doing what needed to be done. That I was strong enough. And when I wasn't, he felt adding in extra support, sessions or calls, is what I needed. And we were doing that. He said he did worry about me, because I'm so isolated with all of this, and he knows how complicated my life is. But, he said he would be a lot more worried if we had less frequent contact and I was keeping him out. He also noted that she had pushed my mother button big time. That being told, "if it is upsetting, then don't do it" was my mother's standard answer. And then we talked about what it was like before I started talking about all of this. He asked me, "Where did this (the memories) live in you before we brought them to the fore?" It was interesting to try to figure that one out, but he made sure we stayed connected in looking at this, that it was a joint exploration. Somehow I felt really secure and supported.
There was more to the session, tears about missing him, especially since I'm going away again next week. When we talked this morning (not a crisis call, a check in), things were still open and connected between us.
I did tell him not to give away my spots. It was hard to think of anyone else in them. And then I amended this and said he could put someone in them, but he couldn't like them better than me. And I asked him if he would forget me? (I suspect that this was little daisy, who was completely out at the end.) He said "of course not, silly." (made me smile) And he said "my" time was free time next week and he wouldn't give away my spot. Silly or not, I felt relieved.
But...
I still didn't tell him what she said about therapists getting resentful of clingy clients. Why is that? Am I afraid he would admit it happens? (Come on, we all know it happens!) Am I afraid he is already there? It doesn't feel like he is there. Maybe I just didn't want to have the fears really out there before I left again. Do you think I need to tell him when I get back? It feels like it is getting bigger and bigger as the days go by.
Sorry this got so long. I haven't written in a while.
poster:daisym
thread:470309
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050305/msgs/470309.html