Posted by Skittles on March 12, 2005, at 16:41:08
In reply to Re: She Called Back » Skittles, posted by Dinah on March 12, 2005, at 8:06:23
I hope I don’t get too detailed with all this, but I want to include everything I can remember in case some of you see importance where I didn’t. This could be long, so forgive me. I have many, many thought about all this as well, but I will save those until the end so as not to confuse (at least as much as I can).
When she called, I told her I appreciated her calling me back and that I wasn’t sure she actually would. She said in a tone that seemed cold to me, “I would return your call.” I said I was really sorry about how I handled quitting. She said she appreciated that. Then I remember her saying something about how that should have been discussed in her office. I told her that I would like an opportunity to do that. She responded that she didn’t really see any reason for us to meet together again. That she thought I was too ambivalent about therapy, as evidenced by canceling and rescheduling Thursday’s appointment and then quitting after the Thursday session. She said that was just too much in one week. That I wasn’t in the right place to be in therapy. I think this was about where I started to cry. She said she wanted me to be committed to therapy for myself and not for her. I told her that I was committed to it for me but that she played a big role in that. She said, “You mean the relationship,” and I said yes.
She then asked what I hoped to accomplish by meeting together again. I said at least to walk away with no hard feelings. She asked if I meant for her or for me and I told her for both of us. She said that for her part, she wasn’t so much hurt as she was taken aback by what I did. That she didn’t think that was where we were. I told her that I hadn’t felt like there was even time to talk about it in the office because she didn’t mention her reasoning until the end and tried to explain how I’d really begun to be able to carry that connected feeling with me b/w sessions once she started sitting with me and that I felt like she was taking that away at the very time I needed it most (her vacation). She said, “that’s not what you said when we talked by phone on Wednesday,” to which I replied, “I didn’t realize I said anything Wednesday that would contradict that.” She said, “You told me that to be close to me would make you miss me more and you didn’t want to come because you were afraid you might get closer. So I was trying to give you the space you wanted.” I responded, “What I think I actually said was I am in a place where I’m not bothered by your trip and I don’t think I’ll miss you terribly and I’m afraid coming might change that.” Long pause. She says, “I took that a step further.” (you think?????)
I guess this is where I *should* have seen what happened, but I didn’t until I hung up and had a chance to think. Anyway, then I started explaining how this brought up the need issues for me. Why you shouldn’t let them be known because you start to feel something good from having them met and then it gets arbitrarily taken away. She said, “but you didn’t ask on Thursday,” and I agreed, saying that I had asked in the past (I feel like she was a little defensive here). She said she *probably* should have told me earlier in the session why she why she did it. Then she said that she really wanted me to hear her now, that she wasn’t closing the door completely on seeing me again. She explained that she didn’t really know what to do to help me get out of this depression and that I wasn’t doing the things she suggested like I should. That she didn’t know *why* I wouldn’t do them because I wouldn’t tell her (I’ll explain this more later). She said that continuing to see me under such circumstances made her feel like a participant in the not getting better. That I needed to think about whether I wanted to do some things that were uncomfortable but led me down the road to getting better or if I wanted to be uncomfortable with things that kept me depressed. I told her I *did* want to get better and that she was right, I’m uncomfortable either way so it might as well be from doing something that could help me. She told me she was glad to hear that. I also explained to her that there are so many things in my life that need fixed I get overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. She said, “I just want you to start where you are.” (I’m sorry, but what the h*ll does that mean? That’s about the most trite and useless thing she’s ever said to me.) Then she said that she was going to leave the ball in my court. To take some time to think about it and give her a call.
Ok, so my general thoughts on the call (feel free to comment and be honest. I’d rather feel the sting here and be prepared for anything my T might throw at me later):I’m disturbed that her initial inclination would be to *not* be willing to meet with me at least one more time when I asked to.
I don’t think I’m really ambivalent about therapy. I think its fear. I’m afraid to trust her too much. Afraid of being attached. Afraid of letting her in. So there’s this push-pull thing going on. And she’s never really offered any suggestions about how to overcome that – maybe there aren’t any. I don’t know. I just know that I really want to feel better than I do.
I also think it’s very clear why this week has been so difficult for me. She knows I’ve been dealing with my mother being sick and not able to see her own patients and how that’s brought up fears about how my own T could disappear at any time. The person I spend the most time with (other than my husband) has been out of town all week and I’ve missed her terribly. Plus, she told me Monday that she’d be missing our next three appointments! So is it really too much "ambivalence" for one week given the circumstances?
I’m bothered that she took my words a “step further” without first checking to see if her steps were heading in the same direction as mine.
I never intended for it to be that way, but looking back, I can see that she may have been enabling me and I feel really, really terrible about that. I don’t want her to save or rescue me. I’ll save myself, thank you very much. That’s how it’s always been.
I’m concerned that she’s not admitting her mistakes here. Maybe I’m getting caught up too much with the words, but *probably* should have told me earlier in the session? If I had answered one of her questions like that, she would have responded with, “Which is it?” And from that flows the fact that I feel like she’s blaming me entirely for Thursday’s breakdown. I will own most of it, but I refuse to own all of it. For once in my life, I can actually see that it wasn’t all me.
As far as her suggestions for shaking this depression, she was talking AD’s the first day I said I felt sad, so I didn’t really take it too seriously then. But as it got worse, I did a lot of research and I’m very hesitant. I’m far too embarrassed to tell her, but the reason I don’t want to take them has to do with effects on the libido. Sex in an obligation for me. I do it because my husband has needs and I don’t want him feeling rejected when none of this is his fault. A lot of the time I try to disappear inside my head until it’s over. But sometimes, my “getting there” is important to my husband, so I can’t disappear. I’m ashamed to tell you the things I have to think about to accomplish that, but suffice it to say it is difficult. I can’t imagine taking anything that would make me less interested in sex or more to climax. The flashbacks and tears are fewer, the less time it takes. I just have not been able to tell her this – I mean I don’t talk to *anybody* about my sex life. Not even my friends. Even putting this here makes me feel extremely vulnerable and very ashamed.
Ok, that’s enough for one post. I really feel like I want to see her at least once more just to say to her face, “I’m not the only person who made mistakes here!” And I *do* want to get well, but I’m not sure I can do it with her at this point. I’d like to try and will post my concerns about that later. Thank you for reading.
poster:Skittles
thread:469454
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050305/msgs/470144.html