Posted by rubenstein on February 7, 2005, at 12:36:45
In reply to I'm afraid to go to Therapy, posted by daisym on February 6, 2005, at 21:46:34
>My thoughts are with you, I am also nervous about going to therapy this week....I hope things go okay
rubensteinI know this is not that unusual. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. But I can't get the anxiety to go down right now.
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> This might have to do with the fact that on Friday I decided to take a week off from therapy. I told my therapist that I was emotionally exhausted. He said fine, he could understand that. We've been working really hard. But he wanted to talk it through a little. So he asked me to tell him what my thinking was. We had a harder than usual session on Thursday and I left really upset with him, though for the life of me I can't really remember why. I just felt like he had expectations for me that I couldn't meet, or something like that. But the upset dissipated quickly, so I told him, no, I wasn't avoiding him because of that. I talked about how easily I've been coming apart, reduced to tears often and feeling out of control of my emotions. If I could step back, I could find my strength and resilience again. He said, "You mean throw those walls back up." OK, well yeah, that too. Then he asked that question we all hate, "Tell me what you are afraid of..." So I told him that there has been a shift in my journaling. When I write about the abuse memories, I have been able to do it in broad terms, but I've never been able to stand to write down the details much. A few times, here and there, but usually I just can't. Lately this has changed. I'm writing about all of it, the color of the walls, the smells, the words...and it terrifies me.
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> He got really quiet and then he said, "We've been waiting for this. We've been waiting for all the details and here they are. It is really important that you share them with someone and I want that someone to be me." So we talked some more and he said that the more we talk about it, the more he thinks taking a week off is a bad idea. He pointed out that avoiding this won't make it go away and if I was doing it to give him a break, he said he doesn't need one. In the end, I agreed to come in on Monday.
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> I've managed to avoid thinking about it until this afternoon. Now I'm petrified. I know he won't push me to talk about all this if I don't want to. But when I see him, or talk to him, the younger parts of me refuse to shut up. And it is hard for me to believe that he doesn't need a break. I've been so needy and clingy for weeks.
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> I have this picture of me sitting in the parking lot, letting my session minutes tick by. Sad because I'm not seeing him, but unable to force myself to go in.
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> I feel pathetic.
poster:rubenstein
thread:454139
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050206/msgs/454345.html