Posted by Emily Elizabeth on February 6, 2005, at 22:33:29
In reply to I'm afraid to go to Therapy, posted by daisym on February 6, 2005, at 21:46:34
First, I want to say that you are being very brave and obviously confronting some very hard things. And i think that it is good that your T has a sense of the struggle you are facing about coming in and confronting things.
I know that nothing will take away your anxiety, but I have an idea that might be helpful in taming it a little. Remind yourself that you are the person in control of what is revealed in therapy. You can go to your appointment and share just what you want to share. If you feel that you need to step back a bit, then you can. It might even help to go into your session and tell your T that you are really anxious and need to back away from the intensity. Sometimes it helps me to talk about more superficial things, like how I find my pets calming, what's going on at work, etc. You can tell your T that you just need to do this for a while.
Does that make sense? it made sense in my own head, so if it is unclear, let me know.
Best,
EE> I know this is not that unusual. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. But I can't get the anxiety to go down right now.
>
> This might have to do with the fact that on Friday I decided to take a week off from therapy. I told my therapist that I was emotionally exhausted. He said fine, he could understand that. We've been working really hard. But he wanted to talk it through a little. So he asked me to tell him what my thinking was. We had a harder than usual session on Thursday and I left really upset with him, though for the life of me I can't really remember why. I just felt like he had expectations for me that I couldn't meet, or something like that. But the upset dissipated quickly, so I told him, no, I wasn't avoiding him because of that. I talked about how easily I've been coming apart, reduced to tears often and feeling out of control of my emotions. If I could step back, I could find my strength and resilience again. He said, "You mean throw those walls back up." OK, well yeah, that too. Then he asked that question we all hate, "Tell me what you are afraid of..." So I told him that there has been a shift in my journaling. When I write about the abuse memories, I have been able to do it in broad terms, but I've never been able to stand to write down the details much. A few times, here and there, but usually I just can't. Lately this has changed. I'm writing about all of it, the color of the walls, the smells, the words...and it terrifies me.
>
> He got really quiet and then he said, "We've been waiting for this. We've been waiting for all the details and here they are. It is really important that you share them with someone and I want that someone to be me." So we talked some more and he said that the more we talk about it, the more he thinks taking a week off is a bad idea. He pointed out that avoiding this won't make it go away and if I was doing it to give him a break, he said he doesn't need one. In the end, I agreed to come in on Monday.
>
> I've managed to avoid thinking about it until this afternoon. Now I'm petrified. I know he won't push me to talk about all this if I don't want to. But when I see him, or talk to him, the younger parts of me refuse to shut up. And it is hard for me to believe that he doesn't need a break. I've been so needy and clingy for weeks.
>
> I have this picture of me sitting in the parking lot, letting my session minutes tick by. Sad because I'm not seeing him, but unable to force myself to go in.
>
> I feel pathetic.
poster:Emily Elizabeth
thread:454139
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050206/msgs/454154.html