Posted by Dinah on January 1, 2005, at 20:40:52
In reply to Re: the pattern, posted by Aphrodite on January 1, 2005, at 11:02:02
> > Years after that he admitted that a) he didn't want to encourage or create ego states that didn't exist before therapy and b) he had MPD burnout having had several in his caseload shortly before seeing me. It was so much a relief to hear him admit that.
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> This is interesting because I have an underlying feeling of resentment that my T "created" this pathology in me of ego states. When we first started discussing my problems in this way, I was mortified and thought I sounded "crazy" when, in fact, I was trying to promote myself as perfectly fine and normal. As we worked with it, the truth of the existence of this problem was so overwhelming that I could no longer accuse him of the creation, and he worked very hard to normalize it in light of my life circumstances, and make it as bearable and acceptable as possible. Interesting that the two of you had the reverse experience. Admitting that he had a lot of DID experience does explain things. Did he ever admit that yours did, in fact, exist prior to therapy?
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He never actually said they didn't. He just seemed uncomfortable when I mentioned it and reflected it back to me in other terms. He actually thinks that yes, it's always been a part of my life. And the fact that I spoke in terms of ego states (not using those words, but using the concepts) from even before I started therapy is something that he takes into account. He doesn't diagnose and doesn't believe in treating diagnoses but rather clients, but he's strongly hinted that if he's forced to put down a diagnosis for insurance purposes he'd probably use DD-NOS. He very reluctantly admits I don't meet the diagnostic criteria for DID because of the lack of amnesia, although a different therapist rather creatively expanded the definition of amnesia so that I'd fit, while a third said I had no problem with dissociation at all. :) I think my therapist's middle ground is probably correct. He believes I have two, possibly three, ego states distinct enough to be considered MPD if not DID, and that they've been consistent since I was young. (I'm 99% certain he prefers the old MPD classification to the new DID one, and still thinks in those terms.) He's not sure about the third because he's only met that one once.That being said, he does think my presentation is different from his prior clients. In the nine years I've seen him, the number of ego states has remained unchanged, no fragmenting. The only change in the entire nine years was that I learned to self hypnotize to reach a deeper level of consciousness to allow the voluntary and consistent access of my emotional self. It's a very stable ego split between rational/emotional with the third ego state (the one I call "Happy Dinah") being somewhat differently defined.
I just ran across this page I bookmarked a while back. While a lot of it doesn't resonate with me, I think I saved it because of the emotional/rational split concept rather than the more usual age split concept.
http://www.dissociation.com/index/Definition/
Hmmmm.... I suppose I should also say that while he clearly thinks in those terms, he's also comfortable discussing it in different language and theory on those occasions when the whole thing is distressing to me. Different levels of consciousness, that sort of thing.
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> > One of the things I like best about my therapist is his unflappability. He flares into anger occasionally, but he's open and receptive to whatever I say and whatever me shows up to therapy. He doesn't even skip a beat. I think it would be very distressing to me if he were very emotional. But I'm sure to other people, it is very validating to have a therapist who empathizes so. Particularly if the therapist is expressing things that they can't.
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> This is my catch-22. My T will ALWAYS skip a beat, but that's him. It sounds nice, though, to be free to be honest. Yet, your last line is where I need the help most. Since he is 100% "in it" with me emotionally speaking, he can not only express what I do not yet have language for, but he often also says that he is feeling what I am feeling. He says, "It's feeling hard for me to breathe listening to this. Is that what you're experiencing?" Or, "I'm getting tense in my muscles around my neck, are you?" And he is usually always right. And then he'll lead me through some breathing exercises or tell me to stretch to help with the somatic experiences as I speak. And since I am so frozen and stoic, his participation helps get me through the rougher sessions.I just have a personal preference for... Well, I always say that my therapist stays in his chair. Some therapists have emotions that seem to leap towards me, while mine is contained. It would make me very uncomfortable to have an expressively emotional therapist. The pdoc from heck said my therapist wasn't a good match for me because we both were too much in our heads. But I quit seeing said pdoc because he scared me senseless with his emoting (among other reasons). But that's just me. That's why there's lots of different types of therapists out there.
poster:Dinah
thread:433059
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041228/msgs/436550.html