Posted by antigua on December 31, 2004, at 7:51:15
In reply to Glacier Movement » antigua, posted by daisym on December 31, 2004, at 0:21:21
Good insights, thanks Daisy.
The only girl who talks to the others is the "angry" one, although I don't like to refer to her always as "angry" because I think she is the one who is going to survive, less the anger and hopefully will be the "assertive" one. This little girl is very critical of the weak one, verbally and otherwise; the weak one can't even speak at this point. Containing the angry one is important at this point (often I have to keep her locked away) because she could do a lot of damage (I think she's the one who caused the accident). She's definitely self-destructive, but very powerful--except she doesn't have the body, so she's limited.
Yes I know I have my T and mother mixed up. Up until this point my T has always been the "good mother," defending and protecting me against others when I needed it. But I don't feel that way anymore. She has limitations--her job has limitations, because after all, at the most basic this is her JOB (we argue about this). There are some objective truths--she is certainly invested in my care, but there's a limit. I guess you could say that the attachment is gone, and it makes me feel quite hopeless that if the attachment is gone w/her, I'm on my own, which I really do think should be the end result of therapy. She has taught me well, I internalize her (and I sure can help others around me by what I've learned from her), but we are stuck at a dead end, and true to her style, I'm the one to unblock it, and I can't.
I've never been angry at my mother over this--or my father. Anger for them is outside the spectrum of my feelings. Oh, I can rant and rave privately on occasion, but it does no good. I've jumped right over it--my mother did the best she could. She went from one abusive relationship to another and she did what she had to do to survive. I would never accept that for my own kids, but my mother has her limitations and I just can't hold them against her. My father? Just can't go there. I loved him very much, and as Daisy said, my father was a different man in the later years of his life. Plus, my knowledge of the abuse didn't consciously surface until afer he died, even though a part of me knew it was always there.
So I'm a mess. The urge is to do something, anything to alleviate these awful feelings. I want to tell me T to DO SOMETHING, but it has to come from me. The key is to not self destruct before I figure it out--a genuine fear I have.
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:433059
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041228/msgs/435945.html