Posted by daisym on October 7, 2004, at 18:38:52
I want to say up front that this is a shameless plea for support and help. I'm trying so hard to understand why some things just come pouring out sometimes.I went into the session today knowing I was stuck and knowing that my youngerself wanted to talk. She really wanted something but I wasn't sure what it was. And I wanted her to get it out because the tension of holding her was just too much. So we worked at it, trying to get her in the room, for me to back off and just let her talk. It took awhile but she finally was able to talk more or less directly, about a particularly troublesome incident of csa. It wasn't the "worse" thing, but to her it feels like the most devastating. There were virtually no tears, just a struggle to explain something she had no words for.
At the end of the session, my therapist asked me how "I" felt about what she said. I said it was amazingly painful to hear her anguish. But that I felt now exactly how she felt then. And I told him I really was struggling to get through everyday and I had finally reached a point where I though medication was the answer. Because it was just too painful to bear anymore. He asked me a number of questions and agreed that this might be the time to add in medications and he would help me get that set up. But then I backed off, because I realized it meant talking to someone else about all of this. He said we could talk more about it on Monday. But he wanted to know if I was thinking about suicide more...more than ideation? So we talked about that too. And I really started to fall apart. He asked if I had a plan (yes) and asked me to walk him through it. Then, have I ever come close? (yes) and how did I talk myself out of it? Then he asked if I thought he should call my husband (no). So he made me promise to call him first and told me he would be devastated if anything happened to me. And some part of me asked him if I did call, would he would tell me not to, Or, would he be mad that I was thinking about it... He said OF COURSE, he would tell me not to, that he wanted me to hang on and stay safe. I told him I felt really stupid for having this conversation, it felt overly-dramatic. But he looked so sad and concerned.
Now, several hours later, I'm thinking back on that part of the conversation and it feels like the younger part of me was still out and talking, even if I didn't completely realize it. Because she was suicidal back then, thinking it was the only way to escape from all her badness. Those feelings came through strongly today.
The question is, can "she" make "me" feel suicidal and hopeless now? Because the emotions are all mixed up and confused. I don't know how to make myself calm down, put it away and feel better.
poster:daisym
thread:400126
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041002/msgs/400126.html