Posted by vwoolf on July 28, 2004, at 2:27:32
In reply to Re: Confused » vwoolf, posted by gardenergirl on July 27, 2004, at 16:19:40
GG, you are spot on when you write “Did you worry that your Mom would throw you out? Or did she actually ask you to leave?”
I had never thought about it like that before, but that is exactly what happened. When I was 16, and still in High School, I fell into a deep depression. My school suggested that I should get professional help, and my Mom took me to a Psychiatrist. I had no insight at all into why I was depressed (I had blanked out all my memories of the long term incest with my alcoholic father as a small child), and felt very threatened by the questioning and spotlights on me, so I simply clamped up and became almost catatonic. This was a long time ago, and psychiatry was still quite primitive, and the only solution the pdoc could think of was electro-convulsive therapy – in massive doses of course, as they did then. Thinking back, they couldn’t have done anything worse, because this felt like punishment for my badness. The outcome was that I was left with even less memories, bigger feelings of guilt and no resolution. Within a few months I was back into deep depression, and was put into a psychiatric ward under observation for a month.
My mother decided that she had had enough at this point and arranged for me to go to Europe to study for a year. I was not part of the planning, it was all arranged for me. It may sound wonderful, but if you think that I was barely 17 and was suicidal and had just been through major psychiatric problems, it was a crazy idea. My mom kept asking “Aren’t you excited?” and would look angry when I would say “No”. I somehow managed to cope, although at times I think it was touch and go. I didn’t eat for the first week – I couldn’t speak the language and was too scared to buy myself any food, and only when I collapsed alone in the snow and was taken to a doctor, did I begin to look after myself. By that time of course quite a few men had taken advantage of my totally vulnerable state. I had absolutely no contact with home for three months – for all my mother knew, I could never have arrived at my destination. I never went back to live at home after that.
Sorry I have gone into so much detail, but your question just sparked so much feeling and memories. I don’t know how my mother has always managed to look so caring yet actually make me feel totally neglected. I am feeling really hurt and upset as I write this.
Thanks, gg, you’ll make a great therapist. I am seeing my T in a few minutes and will take her this post as well. It has been very helpful.
poster:vwoolf
thread:371035
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040723/msgs/371500.html