Posted by Dinah on February 19, 2004, at 13:48:00
Is it worth it? I've usually found that it is. Of course, I don't invest the energy to do it often, but when I do, it's seemed worth it.
Perhaps some people have smooth flowing relationships with their therapists because they have a match in personality and values and expectations. Not so with my therapist and me.
He finds me needy and dependent, and has his own issues with dependent needy females. He thinks I focus on the minutaie of life to an exasperating degree. And I need a precision in my words, and his, that he can't understand. He finds me stubborn and exasperating. When he pushes I bite back, he says. I remind him of a client he had once who demanded forever therapy then when he agreed, quit six months later. He frequently misunderstands my meaning and motives, so that he attributes unpleasant motivations to me.
I think he's a bit shallow and too concerned with appearances. He's a bit withholding, especially in comparison with some of your therapists. But less so than some. He claims to be fond of me, but I rarely feel it. He's defensive, and jumps to conclusions about what I mean without trying to understand first. He's very cerebral, and not all that emotional. That's great sometimes, but not so good other times. The pdoc he works with said he was a bad match for me because he was too much in his head and so was I, but then again that pdoc scared me witless. He cares *a lot* about money. I doubt he ever thinks about me outside therapy, and would only if I paid him to.
But on the other hand, he has a lot of great qualities. His very best quality is that he's patient and is willing to be there for me. He may have a week where he's mad at me, but he never holds on to that, and is always ready to take a deep breath and start over. And maybe most important is his feel? aura? I don't know. He feels open and receptive, but with a firm core. Other therapists feel like their personalities leap out at you, or they feel shallow with a brittle wall not too far down. He feels just right, and always has.
And so we battle for a relationship, because in my eyes it's worth it. In his eyes, I'm not sure. But he's willing to battle alongside of me. Sometimes we reach connection, sometimes it eludes us. Sometimes we each get angry, but we take a break and battle on. If I think he's misunderstood me, I'll try to think of other ways to say the same thing, until he gets it. If I think he's jumped to conclusions about my actions, I'll give him alternative ways to look at it. If I'm angry with him, he'll own his part of what happened, and try to learn from it. If he feels frustrated with me, he tells me so, and why. And vice versa.
It never really feels smooth or easy. We're just too different for that. And our sessions certainly aren't just about our relationship. Like any relationship, the misunderstandings etc. occur along the way as we're discussing other things. And we deal with them as they crop up, as best we can.
Why? Well, for me, it's because he gives me something I have never been able to find elsewhere. A feeling of safety that has more to do with how he "feels" than what he says. I don't know why he does it. Is it part of his personality to persevere no matter what? Is it a general value of his to fight for relationship? From what he's said to me when trying to get me to do the things I do with him with others, I imagine it might be.
It hasn't been smooth. He's screwed up. I've screwed up. I've stormed off. It's made me feel worse sometimes, but learning to connect has also made me feel better.
He asked me not too long ago what made him different. What made me willing to stay and fight to connect. And maybe it's just that I sensed that he was someone who would stay and fight to connect with me. That that firm core was strong enough. I don't know, but I'm not sorry.
I guess that's why my usual advice is to try to work things out with your therapist. But.... I guess some therapists aren't worth battling for. But.... I would have said the exact same thing about my therapist for most of the first five years. But....
How do you know when the battle is worth it?
poster:Dinah
thread:315688
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040218/msgs/315688.html