Posted by crushedout on December 31, 2003, at 14:50:32
In reply to Re: sessions on credit » Dinah, posted by Speaker on December 31, 2003, at 14:06:23
Well, I saw her today. I was really scared. When I arrived, she said I seemed anxious. She said that she worried all yesterday after I left that she had overwhelmed me. I said, "You did." She said, "I crossed your boundary, didn't I?" and I agreed.I told her that I loved the CD but that it made me very, very sad. I said it was tantalizing and confusing for me. I explained how it just made me want more, that I wanted to be her lover, and I couldn't be.
I asked her why she did that. She said that she f'ed up, basically. That she just felt compelled to do it, to have a connection with me, but that it wasn't in my interests and it was a huge mistake. She apologized sincerely.
I said in a way that this was probably for the best because it was making me confront the reality that we can't be together, which is something I've been avoiding for a long time. She said, yes, she thought so, too, although she should have done it a better way. She said she'd been avoiding confronting that reality also. I asked her why. She said because she was confused, too. Because she liked feeling loved by me, and she didn't want to let go of it. She was enjoying it. So, we're going to try to move past it now, I guess. I hope I can. It's really hard for me to accept.
I guess, one good thing is that when she came out to get me from the waiting room, my first thought was that she looked stupid (I don't like her new hair-do), and that was kind of a relief for me. I mean, I'm still attracted to her, I guess, but maybe the bubble is starting to burst. Maybe someday I'll really realize that she's not all I've cracked her up to be. She's not really the woman for me. I hope it happens soon, because this is really, really painful.
We're cutting back on sessions (to twice a week from three times! I know, sounds nuts) and I told her I'm thinking about taking a break altogether, actually. To get some feeling of control back. I also lent her my copy of "In Session." She had never even heard of it. I was surprised. She said, "Is there anything in particular you think I'll get out of it?" and I said, in general, I thought she would find it very helpful, but that I particularly thought the part about the power dynamic and how little things can matter a lot to the client would be relevant. At least she really seemed to realize she had a lot to learn.
I really am crazy about her, as a therapist as well as a love object, and I think she's doing a great job. She just made a huge mistake here, and I think she learned her lesson. And we're going to move forward. She promised me that something good would come out of this. I have a hard time imagining what that will be, but I'm sure that it's true.
Thanks to all of you for your support through this crisis. I think I'm going to fall apart now.
:(
poster:crushedout
thread:294830
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031221/msgs/295149.html