Posted by noa on April 4, 2003, at 11:07:55
In reply to Re: Missing work, posted by LibbyH on April 3, 2003, at 19:51:00
Libby, that is great that you have that kind of relationship with your boss. And that you have a good sense of how to manage things when the depression acts up.
I am home today. I'm not terribly depressed. In fact lately, I've been pretty good. But this has been a hard week. I was out of work on Wednesday because Tuesday night I had a horrible case of akithisia and I don't know why. But I couldn't sleep all night, and was so agitated. In the morning, I finally had fallen asleep and just couldn't get out of bed, so I called in sick.
Then, I started coming down with a cold. I've been taking a lot of zinc and so far the cold symptoms are held off, but the past few days, I've been feeling very irritable. Yesterday at work, I felt irritable, and then went to the dentist and afterward, even though the dentist managed to complete the work in 15 minutes, and it was a beautiful day outside, I felt irritable all afternoon and evening. I said something bitchy to a delivery guy who rang all the buzzers in the building (I HATE when they do that!), and he apologized, claiming to have rung the wrong one by accident. Then I felt badly because maybe he did just ring it by accident--after all, not all delivery people are the same.
I knew I was just irritable beyond redemption so I went to bed early. I got enough sleep last night but woke up feeling irritable and slow-moving, so I called in sick again. I hate when I do that.
I know some reasons why I am irritable, but I've been able to overcome this most of the time and am upset with myself for letting it take over like this. Missing work only makes it worse for me.
I'm not PMS. The only other physiological things it could be are that I missed a few days doses of fish oil. I think the akithisia was from substituting cod liver oil instead of fish oil one day (the store was out of the fish oil) although that seems rather odd to have a reaction like that. And, being that I'm fighting off a cold, that could be another reason.
Emotionally, the main thing is that the "restructuring" situation is heating up. We've been told that the decision will be announced by the end of next week. My buddies and I did have a meeting with the higher level manager and got mixed results. I think I am feeling bitter about the meeting because we still didn't get the kind of statement of good faith we wanted. We got a partial one--a business like one, which was better than what the mid-managers gave us, but the bigger boss covered her ass with all kinds of caviats. She is holding on to her cards big time--letting us know we can apply for positions that are open, and if all things are equal, we'd get priority, but then went on to define--in far greater detail than I was comfortable with--the limitations of what "all things being equal" means. Ie, they could decide they want to emphasize a specific skill out of the set of skills needed for a particular position, and so if someone from the outside had that skill and we didn't (even though we could learn it!), then even if we had all the other skills in the set, etc. etc. you get the picture.
You know, the whole meeting was pleasant enough, though we knew right away we weren't entirely comfortable with the discussion, but I think it bothers me more and more as time goes on.
So that leaves me wondering. What do I want? Do I hope to keep my current job? I'll be very angry no matter what because one of the three of us will be canned. Are they willing to let one of us go altogether? We certainly haven't heard the warm expression of desire to keep us on somehow. We heard some of it, but not as strong as we'd like.
I'm angry and do I want to stay there? Do I want the other in-house job I could apply for if I am the one who is axed? I don't know.
I know I should be sending out my resume. but I don't know what I want. There are some things to respond to. I don't feel ready for such a big change.
I'm rambling, but it was good to ramble because now I know it isn't irritability--it's anger. I just have to figure out what to do with it.
poster:noa
thread:213397
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030310/msgs/216178.html