Posted by Eddie Sylvano on January 8, 2003, at 15:20:29
In reply to Extremely bad luck with people, posted by fuzzymind on January 8, 2003, at 12:15:15
> Junior year, next door neighbor made many negative remarks about me...being hypersensitive, depressed and suicidal, I felt worse about myself.I knew this pattern would follow me the rest of my life, so I dropped out of life.
-------------It sounds like bullies have really made your life a misery. Sadly, the world will always contain such people. The only real way to deal with such people is to have an accurate preception of them and of yourself. What is it about bullying that bothers you the most? Is it that you value the particular bully's opinion, and want their approval? Is it the things that they say to you, and not so much the bully themself? Is it that other people witness it, and you don't want them to think less of you? Is it the simple fact that you can't stop them? It's important to figure out why this has affected you so.
It's invaluable to understand the mind of the bully. There's no denying that it hurts when people say bad things about you, but it's important to consider the source and the situation. Consider the opposite situation... What if you'd had a roommate who complimented you on every single thing you did and thought? It might sound ideal, but try to imagine hearing about how great you were day in and day out. Would you put a lot of emotional weight behind what they were telling you? Would you believe them? Feel like a king? For most people, it would become annoying. The situation isn't much different, logically, than being criticized constantly. Someone is continually telling you what you're worth. The difference is that you're much more accepting of the idea that you're flawed, and criticism will always galvanize you in that belief.> Therapy, medication, self help books, unleashing on forums hasn't worked. If only my parents had intervened when I slit my wrists in the bathtub 18 years ago.
----------I don't know your parents, but it's not surprising that they didn't intervene. Most parents don't have a clue what their kids feel or value from day to day. Given the parenting I've seen, I'm inclined to think that any parents that don't actively abuse you are better than average. Parents also have their own agenda for their kids that they feel will result in the best life for them. By this, I mean that they want what would be best for *them* if they were in your situation, because people usually think of everything in terms of themselves (it makes sense. What other experience does one have to inferr from?).
If therapy, medications, and meditation haven't helped, there was probably something missing from them. Your root problems weren't being addressed. What you need is to believe differently about yourself, which is hard to do. If you believe that you're worthless, I wouldn't expect you to think otherwise without proof. The problem then, in broader terms, may be that you overlook or ignore such proof every day. The fact that you've been a perfectionist means that you give less credit to your own accomplishments than you would if your bully roommate had done the same thing. By definition, you'll never get anything perfect. You can do things well, though, like your good grades. They may not have impressed you, but I'm sure they were better than the majority of other students. If you find one thing about yourself to be proud of, own that pride, then identify another thing, and on and on, you'll have a more accurate take on yourself. You'll know when someone's comments about you, flattering or critical, are true or not. For that matter, look at the source of a comment. Is that person often wrong about non-fuzzymind related issues? Would you want to claim responsibility for what they say on a daily basis? If not, they're probably no better at understanding you than they are at understanding the rest of the world.
It's hard to give yourself credit if you're not used to it. It certainly doesn't come naturally. You have to work at it, but the results are worth it. Ultimately, you're the only one who's looking out for you. Think of yourself as a project that you work on every day. Evaluate what you dislike about yourself, winnow out anything that you would consider a subjective opinion for someone else to have about themselves and work on improving anything tangible (physical form, clothing, behaviors that hinder you). Somewhere along the line you've taken a long detour away from feeling good about yourself, and your brain has learned incorrectly, formed the wrong connections, which is why you think the way you do. It took a long time to get this way, and will probably take just as long to "unlearn." Still, it can be done and you can do it. Get behind the home team for a change. What do you have to lose?
poster:Eddie Sylvano
thread:2175
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20021230/msgs/2180.html