Posted by kerria on December 17, 2006, at 1:41:57
Tonight i can't sleep- so much is wrong- i allowed myself to be triggered- to think of what i stay away from thinking all the time and i'm in so much pain now and there's nobody that can help.
There's no body that can help me- i remember that i know my f;s death was a suicide. tears. It hurts so much to have known all this time. Everyone thought and everyone thinks it was a boating accident but he called me and it was on purpse.
i feel so so bad now i wish i had someone irl with me but no one can help . not really not anyway.
Nobody can help me with my disorder either- i have DID and the experts i've seen know that i'm not treatable - not helpable, i have parts that are separated and they can't come together at all. i literally don't know what i'm doing. i fake life - i fake that i know what i'm doing. tears. i really love my kids. i have the most beautiful daughters in the world- each one is so brilliant and so beautiful and they suffer so much in life because of the shame of me. i wish i was so much more together- that i would be the mom that is the best mother- to help more , that they each deserve so much. i regret so many things about myself.tonight i'm so afraid to be alone - i wish i was with someone to help- but no onee can hhelp. i was rejected by the trauma program- it seemed like i had the chance to make it but we lost it. It was written down in my ecords that i couldn't do trauma therapy- i can't ever get more together. Everything will always be a confusing mess. My family, my boss at work everyone is so frustrated with me for forgetting and for being laate and out of control of my life- no good for anything really. except i love my childern - they have grown to be the most wonderful adults - it's a miracle of Grace that God helped raisethem, we had angels like very wonderful family friends that have been apart from uss now and we miss. We're separated as a family- my oldest lives so far away and i miss her so much. the others are nearer and i'm so proud of each of them, words can't describe. They deserve the best of life and i hope that all the hard things we went through are never gone through again- that they are blessed with the best of everything for suffering with a mother like me. tears.
i'm so afraid. i know God loves me but i want someone with me to help. My h won't help me- he doesn't love me tears.
i'm having a hard time not feeling responsible because i knew my f was thinking about s. and i didn't do anything to help. i couldn't think - i was like a statue- so helpless to help and there was so much conflict inside. i hate myself so muc when i think that i may have been able to get him help so he wouldn't have gone out in the boat thaaata daaay feeling so guilty because of me. tears because of the brothers and his violence . i feelso so bad. Everything is a total mess. There is no way to look at it that makes sense.
i have so many regrats and gguilt and fear. i was relieved when he died and i feel so guilty like i caused his death-. what can i do now? what can anyone do. ? Nothing. it hurts so much inside i want to be nothing.please hold my hand. i wish someone could hold my hand and make everything better, no one caan. i'm so afraid. i wish someone could help me but i'm beyond help. i could never live together with out separation because i can never live in this pain. so even help wouldn't matter.
tears. It's so lonely to be in this place .tears. How did everything become so hard ? i wish it were simple agaain. and everything was different. Please God - please make it better.
please,
kerria
poster:kerria
thread:714461
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20051017/msgs/714461.html