Posted by Janelle on August 31, 2006, at 18:43:36
In reply to Re: My father died recently ... » Janelle, posted by ClearSkies on August 29, 2006, at 10:24:00
Thank you so much for replying and sharing your experiences with me. Sounds like we felt something familiar soon after we lost our fathers - I also had that sense that he was still with me. I saw what I guess I'd consider *signs* that he was around, but this did not last.
It basically vanished, for lack of a better word, and this has frightened me and made me anxious ever since. As you yourself mentioned, I feel like I have lost touch with him and his presence. Yet for me it feels kind of paradoxical - like in some way, he's still here (alive, on earth) but has gone away temporarily but for an extended period of time and will be back (and the way he was when he was healthy and vibrant). Yet, I KNOW, I'm AWARE that this is NOT the case, but I can't shake that feeling. I guess I'm in some kind of state of quasi-denial.
I find myself thinking things along the lines of "I can't believe my father is dead" - and it's NOT that I literally can't believe it, because I know he's gone; I don't know quite how to describe it, how to put this feeling into words.
What you wrote was quite comforting - you mentioned that with regard to your deceased father, that at first, soon after he passed away, you felt that he wanted to watch over you very closely and to "hold" you as closely as he could from where he was. And now that he has seen that you have gone on with your life, he has realized that you no longer need as close a connection with him as you once did.
I am glad to hear you say that "lovely things have happened since" and that every now and then, you get glimpses of what you believe to be your father through the things that you mentioned. I am not nearly at this point yet, nor do I know if I'll ever feel these things because everyone grieves and handles loss differently.
I'm glad to hear that when your father enters your thoughts at those times, you feel reassured that he is still with you.
My father is very much in my thoughts, yet I'm in the throws of feeling lost and empty, also scared because his presence and energy I initially felt seems like it is gone and will not return, that I won't ever be able to feel or sense my father's presence again. ;-(
Thanks again for taking the time to reply and tell me of your experiences. I guess I just have to have faith (a challenge at this point in time) that my father will *return* to me.
poster:Janelle
thread:679542
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20051017/msgs/681802.html