Posted by Janelle on August 24, 2006, at 2:23:08
My father recently passed away after nearly two years bed-ridden due gosh-darn cancer (and becoming riddled with huge, painful bedsores - I saw them a few times when the dressings were being changed and all I can say is OMG; they were horrific).
At first, I could feel about my father what I've heard referred to as the "energy" a deceased loved one puts out and that person's presence being around.
However, something seems to have *happened* and it has been awhile now that I no longer *feel* my father's energy, I no longer sense his presence. He's just *not there*; it's as if he's *lost* or something and I can't find him. He's just *gone*.
I myself feel lost in all of this because I feel like I'm searching for my father for some trace of him for some sign of him, for whatever it was that I did feel within the first few weeks of his death, but now all I find is darkness.
There have been times when I have had literally gut-wrenching crying jags, and nights when I've cried myself to sleep because I miss my father so much and I NEED him (for many reasons, one being that he was a refreshing contrast to my mother - she can be quite intense and abrupt, and when she would get on my nerves, I could always turn to my dad and he understood because she sometimes got on his nerves in their relationship!).
I can't *find* him anymore and would sure appreciate hearing on here from anyone who has experienced anything even remotely similar to what I have described (though I know that each and every person grieves and mourns in their own UNIQUE way), people here who can offer me some support, encouragement, ideas, guidance for getting through this, etc. Thank you.
poster:Janelle
thread:679542
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20051017/msgs/679542.html