Posted by saw on November 13, 2004, at 4:39:35
In reply to I know this is hard » saw, posted by AuntieMel on November 12, 2004, at 13:23:16
Yes, I will keep the last moments, even though we did not speak, close in the most untouchable part of my heart for ever. I am truly very priviledged that I was with him at the end. This was a gift to me since neither of us were there much (for each other) during life.
I just did not expect to feel all that I am. I didn't expect the hurt to be so bad. I am busy printing the programs for his service on Monday and I am truly proud at my work. They look good and are something he would have liked. I am honoured to have been able to contribute by designing and lovingly put the programs together but wasn't really prepared for the emotional after affects of working with two photos of him for hours on end.
I cried so deeply last night. My husband, who is against tranquilizers, forced me to take one. He just wanted me to get some sleep.
I practiced the song I am singing at the chapel yesterday and though I was pumped with adrenalin, I know it sounded good. Fortunately the acoustics in the chapel are good too. It is going to be very hard to remain (or rather, retain) composure during the real thing. I am feeling terrified because I will be standing right next to his casket. But, it was my decision. I could just as well have played the song but needed to give this gift. I know it will be very poignant.
Dad was an alternative music lover and enjoyed a lot of heavy metal and rock music. When the casket leaves the chapel, we will be playing 18 till I die by Bryan Adams. I know my Dad is smiling already!
So, with tears in my eyes, until Tuesday.
Sabrina
poster:saw
thread:414868
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20040811/msgs/415355.html