Posted by DepressedJoe on November 1, 2004, at 22:03:01
The love of my life is gone. She thought I didn't love her. She thought I was looking for love elsewhere and all I ever wanted was her. I made a stupid joke and she took it the wrong way. It kills me to know that all this time I've invested in us and planned on spending with her - just her - in the future is ended because she took something I said the wrong way and never seriously addressed it with me after I did. It kills to think I am the one responsible for this. To be honest with you: I hate myself right now. She's the one I knew in my heart I'd spend the rest of my life with. Even strangers saw that. I remember a girl at karaoke came up to us once and said she believed we were a perfect couple. I'm very hurt and in pain and a little angry. I'm angry because I feel I deserved a chance. No matter where I've been in the past year - when I've been there alone, she has always been on my mind. Every spare moment of my time I've only wanted to spend with her. It's not fair for her to treat me this way when she now knows the truth. She accuses me of making her feel fat and unwanted. She had "a few extra pounds". I didn't care. I was concerned about her health because she'd barely eat around me and she'd be sick a lot. I told her she needed to be healthy and fit and eat more. She wanted me to support her. So I tried. I did what I thought she wanted me to do and constantly motivated her. I always told her she was beautiful and to make sure she was doing it for herself. She was so fickle about different exercises and would try a different tool every two weeks. I wasn't trying to be degrading. I also met her when she didn't have a job or car and I did nag her a bit about getting out there and putting applications in because she was home a lot. I helped her get her license, too! I hadn't dated much and I was feeling like I wanted to marry her about 9 months in to thhe relationship, but I wanted to make sure she was the one so I told her I thought we should slow it down, go out on a few dates with some other people and then re-evaluate. I thought about it for a week and decided not to do it. I thought I expressed that to her. She met a guy at work that she was just hanging out with as "friends" she told me and started distancing herself, but wanted to know how I felt about her. I was going to propose and tried to get her to come to a certain place but couldn't get her there because she was depressed about where we were at. I didn't want to do it on the phone. One thing led to another...argument...she tells me she hates me...threatens a restraining order because I wanted to discuss this in person rather than in an e-mail or over the phone...she says I am garbage...that I crushed her beating heart into the ground when I said we should try dating others...and she won't give me a second chance. She's made that clear through poetry and unkind words. She won't take my calls. She threw away my flowers. I produced a song for her and a video and she wrote them off. She was so in love with me and was the most self-less loving girl I'd ever met. I can't lose her. I am sooooo depressed. I feel responsible, desperate and lonely. Please help with advice. I think I messed up.
poster:DepressedJoe
thread:410383
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20040811/msgs/410383.html