Posted by crushedout on October 31, 2004, at 11:16:44
In reply to Re: Oh Crushed, I'm so sorry » crushedout, posted by Dinah on October 30, 2004, at 14:13:32
Dinah,
Thank you so much. I'm worried that I have not been grieving enough. Right after I put him down, I came home, collapsed on the couch, and wailed. I cried so hard, but it might have only been for 5 minutes. Then my ex-boyfriend starting get all the kitty's stuff together (litter, etc.) to throw out and I started helping him with that. It seems so cold to do that, but our thinking was that it would be too painful for me to have to go home and see all that. Maybe that's not allowing me to grieve enough. I don't know.
In any case, I kept crying quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) throughout all of this, and for hours afterwards. Everywhere I went, I had tears on my cheeks, and the world felt bleak and empty of meaning. I felt as lonely as I've felt in years, or maybe ever. To go home to a truly empty house -- I haven't done that in over 11 years. To not have a cuddly kitty waiting at the door to jump into my lap and purr, that's just hard to imagine.
I haven't been home since then, and I've kind of tried to forget about him, but of course I can't completely. But I do just keep telling myself that it was the best thing for him, and he can't feel anything now (ok, the crying starts again). I think I need to grieve more. I'm scared to go home. I guess this therapist drama is also serving as a useful distraction from my grief, although it also must compound it in some way.
There's no right way to do this, right? It'll all come out in its own time, won't it? I can't really run away forever.
Anyway, I don't feel strong enough to tell stories yet. Maybe soon. It's sweet of you to offer to listen, it really is.
Thanks, Dinah.
poster:crushedout
thread:408358
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20040811/msgs/409549.html