Posted by carriejane on October 7, 2004, at 12:02:09
My mum died when i was 5 and im 31 now, everything went tits up from then on. My father took my sis and bro with him and i went to abusive families, both of his brothers, and their wives n children. Anyway it all got worse after that but the fact was i never got to go to her funeral, i was never explained anything, then i learned my sis died at age 8 which made space for me at my dads where he was living with his mum.
I became a runaway because of his alcoholism, and violence, thru foster/childrens home.
My problem is I still havent accepted my mothers death, i still feel childlike in my understanding of it. I cant. She just disapeared and no one helped me. i acted pout i supose, got into trouble.
I know deep inside im still searching for my mum, and it breaks my heart that it is all so impossible, and so unfair. I could almost walk up to someone in the street and plead for them to be her. Ive used drugs all my life to fill my gap, and pain not really knowing that was what i was doing. Now i do. I dont know how to come to terms with it. Ive had bereavement counselling for a while, i wrote a few letters and she said thats it then.
Didnt help me .
I feel weird because it ws so long ago but it never left me and i know i would be happy if she had lived. Id feel complete, acceptable and know that i belonged.
Carrie
poster:carriejane
thread:399960
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20040811/msgs/399960.html