Posted by ramsea on January 22, 2004, at 10:08:32
In reply to Name a Pain, posted by rayww on September 10, 2003, at 10:12:20
What loss-----right now the loss of youthfulness, and major loss of self-respect through loss of my career and now due to my middleage loss of hope of ever having a career, and loss of hope of ever having friends again---lots of connected loss due to being disabled by bipolar illness.
physical pain? discomfort in the weight gained through meds, but physically I feel pretty okay. Just the weird sensation of always being on the brink of tears
emotional pain-----well, that is tied up with the physical for me. in my belief system the body describes the emotions, spirit and mind. It's all One. Emotional pain right this second? That danged sorrow just hovers and hovers.
spiritual void? No, as I see all things as part of all things. No separate place for there to be a void called spiritual.
social vacuum? Well, YES. I have been vacuumed up and exist inside a dusty, messy place alongside dog hairs, lost coins, and piles of eensyweensy bugs. The Cosmic Housewife failed to see me as I have become for all said purposes an invisible woman. In-valid.
Mental frenzy???? Well, sure, I was one frenzied invisible woman last night. Thankfully my beloved partner helped me find a way to get myself back on track. But it was hard. Unpleasant. Out of control. Now the snake is back in the basket.
I wish I could come to terms with middle-age, loss of career, loss of "fame" (place in the community, friends, respect of family), loss of prettiness (at least I always felt I had something to offer people who hardly cared at all that I was bright and talented, it was always the looks that they seemed interested in, worried over (you aren't gaining weight are you???), and gave credit for (my father-in-law told me when I was 22 that the only thing I should try and do with my life was to stay pretty------I wanted to go to university you see, and had an IQ over 150 and so it seemed reasonable, but yadda yadda yadda).
I am aware that I have heaps of resentments (the big evil to any dr.bill members) as well as a heavily indented space on the pity pot where my ample derriere has sat many a night through.
I doubt anyone will read this but if you do, smiles for you. Hope you are okay. and Stay Well.
poster:ramsea
thread:258691
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/304139.html