Posted by nukeme1(Mike) on January 19, 2004, at 7:58:08
In reply to Re: Help me get over her after a 6-year relationship! » nukeme1(Mike), posted by Mimi on January 17, 2004, at 11:25:24
sorry for the lateness of my post, I was too depressed to do anthing, I spoke with my ex the other day, she was still in bed, with that creep. She told me that she was tired of the questions, she was tired of other things as well, like the fact the I would try to turn her on when she didn't feel like it, the fact that I would sometimes, out of desperation, say things like: "well, I think I know" when she told me she didn't feel like it... She practically blamed the whole thing on me... I am willing to assume some of the responsibility because I was in fact a little insecure at times, but now that she is with this guy, I guess my fears were not totally unfounded. And she told me that it has been well over a week that we have been broken up and I am still asking her questions and was extremely irritated. I just wanted to understand why I was always there for her during her mood swings her depression and bitchyness. She always told me that she was scared of losing me because of her constant complaining about everything. I consoled her every time. I had one problem, my insecurity, and she could not even stick with me to help me through it. And I believe I had mentionned earlier that she was not sleeping well or eating well during the last month, but now she says she is sleeping great and eating all the time. I told her that she really should at least take some time alone to think about our relationship and how she felt and also to help find herself and reassess her goals. She told me that she does not want to look at the future, she does not want to think about anything, she says she was working for 6 years and that she was tired of even thinking of it. She just wants to live by the day and not think of her problems... the thing is, she tried to kill herself twice before I met her and was on drugs and boozing. I stopped all of that, and had her feeling better, but because of her odd family, she was constantly depressed and blamed it on her weird mother. She moved out and was happy for a few weeks, and then fell back into her normal depressed state... then started blaming the way she felt on her roommate. so she moved eventually (but circumstances did not allow her to stay there anyways) and I guess I was always there for her. I told her that no matter what goes wrong in her life, no matter how bleak it all seemed, she could always count on me and my love and that I would help her through any rough spot, even if that meant f-ing myself and my life in the process. Now it's my turn to shoulder the blame for the way she is feeling, I asked too many questions, I said too many comments, I complained too much about the overflow of cat hair in the apartment (she has 2 long-haired cats in one tiny appartment!) and was too forcelful about sex, and now, I was responsible for making her mad. Me me me...always my fault. I am ready to assume roughly 20% of the blame, I was a little insecure, but I brought so much to her....she just focused on the negative because she is trying to find a valid reason for what she did that does not involve putting her at the center of her own problems. and now she is high on hormones from the honeymoon phase with this freakin guy. I just don't get it, plus I don't understand how she can already be in the same bed as this guy. anyways, I am still quite distraught over this and I just can't seem to feel right. I have had well over three women in the last six years come onto me and express openly that they loved me knowing fully that I was in a serious relationship. I can't even think about calling them because I feel bad about it, I fell like I would be using them, I also feel for some stupid reason that if would be like cheating on my ex. Even though I never ever did (amidst all the sexual frustration and the fact that she did not even want to help me get off just by touching me while did all the work...) I Never once thought about going elsewhere. In order to sleep with someone, I really have ot love them, or it feels dirty, it feels empty. I don't have sex, I make love. This really has screwed me up...me, the guy who usually motivates people, picks them up and stops them from smoking, doing drugs, excessive drinking and all sorts of other bad habits. I feel all alone, I feel down on life...I never have in the past, I have always been a (pardon my english) cheery fellow. and now, I am wallowing in self-pity, angst, bewilderment, hatred, doubt and loneliness. I feel horrible. I sometimes wish I was dead...although I am totally against suicide, I can't help but think that it might be nice to have a heart attack of something. After all, I did kind of have a heart "attack" and cannot seem to cope properly with this loss. Although my brain tells me this is rediculous, this girl was not even pretty, was not nice with you etc... My heart says: "My angel is gone" and that is just so enraging.....I wish I could be stronger, I wish I could take this and just get over it without feeling anything....but apparently, I'm human....and this is part of the package. I feel jaded, I feel crappy and the only time I fell slightly better is when I think about people like you who actually are going through similar problems and who are taking the time to help others throughout their own hardships...possibly even finding answers for themselves along the way....thanks so much for reading my rantings and being there... knowing that a complete stranger actually cares more about my feelings than my ex of a 6 year relationship makes me think that maybe I am better off without her. Maybe she was just holding me back, maybe she was only taking an hardly ever giving back... she never made exceptions for me sexually, it was always when she wanted it and if I did, she says she felt bad, but still I had to practically pull teeth to get her to even help me. probably after we would have had kids, it would have been over sexually, and I guess that is a horrible waste of love. anyways, thanks again, I feel nothing but love for you and thankfulness for your presence throughout my crisis. Thanks!
-Mike
poster:nukeme1(Mike)
thread:301327
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/302639.html