Posted by ValerieF on October 3, 2003, at 12:25:36
My father passed away last year on October 16th. I am a 25 year old single woman. I was very very close with my father. I was devastated by his death and it was very unexpected. I found myself becoming irritable and angry a lot and felt as though I was suffering through depression. I did not have a time to grieve over the death because there was so much chaos. Although, I had a boyfriend who I was using basically as a crutch during this whole thing. I started seeing a therapist probably sometime in December after his death who has been helping me.
In NOvember of 2002 right after my fathers death, my boyfriends father was diagnosed with asbestos. And in December had an operation to remove his lung which was unsuccessful. They were unable to remove it because when they went in they found about 100 more tumors attached into his chest cavity. During this time my boyfriend was extremely upset, but the relationship was still stable. We loved each other and tried to help each other in any way we could. My boyfriend is muslim and at this time it was ramadan. I would spend the holiday with him but would ask him to bring me home early because I did not want to leave my mom alone all night. HIs family would become upset that he would leave early and try to put blame onto him saying things like, "this could be your fathers last ramadan".... and he would get upset at me about it.... Starting in January, his father started undergoing chemotherapy and was becoming sick from that. It is now October of 2003. His father is very very sick. The cancer has spread and I don't think he has much time to live. He stays in the house with his family because he is still able to function and it is more comfortable than being in a hospital. Recently, because of my grieving from my father and my depression the relationship started changing. I felt as though I wasn't treated the way that I should be.... I wanted someone more caring and respecting towards my feelings and started suggesting to my boyfriend that we see other people which he did not want. So, I would stay with him..... During this time, my boyfriend has been going through many jobs, gained almost 100 lbs, has become irritable, seems to want to be around friends more, tells me that he doesn't want to get of bed, has been smoking marajuana more, says he's unhappy with his life, doesn't know how he feels about things in general... feels as though no one cares about him..etc..... Well, for about 2 weeks after he told me this he was treating me fine..... and then all of a sudden says that his feelings have changed and that he no longer wants to be with me... That I should be with someone who is deeply in love with me and who could do everything for me. I was heart broken. Even though my feelings were being questioned, I still had love for him inside and wanted to reconnect the relationship instead of letting it go. However, maybe it's time for this because we both need to reconnect our own spirits.....
I was wondering if perhaps all this has any meaning as to what happenned in the relationship. He still wants to remain in contact with me but I need to heal myself. I am extremely concerned with the way he is feeling yet he doesn't think he needs help. Could you please give me some insight on this. I am no longer his girlfriend as of about 2 weeks ago. I would like to try again (the relationship was for 2 years).... but feel as though the both of us need to sort out things. I don't know what will happen with his father or what will happen to him once his father passes. Could his lack of love have something to do with the depression I am assuming he has? Please help.
poster:ValerieF
thread:265229
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/265229.html