Posted by Larry Hoover on September 8, 2003, at 7:05:04
In reply to Transference and learning to grieve, posted by becca on September 6, 2003, at 14:39:11
It's unusual for me to not quote and refer back to an original posting, but I thought I'd do it differently, this time. This is my opinion.
I have had a number of different counsellors over the years. And looking back at the them all, I can find patterns.
I have had excellent outcomes from interaction with women counsellors. Much of my personal grief arises from relationships (and ultimately, I suppose, from my relationship with my mother). Who better to advise me about my interactions with women, than a woman?
In each case, when I "clicked" with the woman counsellor, I developed feelings for her. In fact, the degree of benefit I accrued seemed to correlate quite highly with the level of emotional bonding. Of course, that's not why I was there.
There are many things in life that I want, but can't have. Finding some degree of acceptance of those situations is part of what I might define as maturity. Even the use of that word pretty much characterizes it as a learned skill coming later in life.
So, transference is an inevitable consequence of a beneficial therapeutic relationship, *for me*. Boundaries became a significant part of the therapeutic environment. Boundaries were called into play, created if they were previously absent, tested, reinforced, moved......as required. Now *that's* a real-life life skill. Your best friend's husband might be a wonderful man, but he's your best friend's husband, ya know?
In those more intense therapeutic relationships, I learned a great deal about my counsellors, as people. They call on situations from their own experience for examples. They express decision-making in terms of decisions they've had to make. I don't see that to be a boundary issue, at all.
There's one aspect of your post I'll mention now. Have you considered that the very idea that you may have to grieve the discontinuation of your relationship with your counsellor is proof that you have begun to move past your prior losses? You can feel positive about relationships again?
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:257605
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/257999.html